The Battle of the Bedroom

Spammy slaps his alarm clock. It says "Ow! I'm just trying to help you!"
"Yeah, well, if you really wanna help..." Spammy rubs his eyes and looks at the alarm clock. He eyes bulge. "Then don't wake me up at two forty-one in the afternoon!" He grabs the alarm clock and shakes it. "What's wrong with you? Can't you tell time?"
"Umm, well," The clock squirms in Spammy's grip. "I might have been reset, umm...while I was asleep?"
"Traitor!" Spammy throws the clock across the room."Treasonous bass-turd!"
"Resorting t' euphemisms, are we, brother spammy?" A sulfurous voice says from behind Spammy.
Spammy whirls. "You. It was you! Ghhhhhhaaaaagahhhhhhhrrrr!" Spammy leaps on top of the seven-foot-six-inch tall demon.
The anti-punctuality demon roars and throws Spammy across the room , hurling a five-foot flaming cheese curl after him.
Spammy rolls aside as the cheese curl starts the wall paper and carpet on fire. Spammy grabs a vuvuzela and charges the demon, swinging the horrendous instrument at the demon's head.
As the vuvuzela connects with the demon's head it snaps into three pieces. "Arrrgh! Dame safety precautions!" Spammy drops the now-useless piece of plastic. The demon advances on Spammy, the light from the spreading fire glinting in his dark eyes.
Spammy leaps over his bed and runs to the bookshelf, hurling flaming book after flaming book at the demon. The demon knocks them aside and jumps over the bed.
"Take the sword of the spirit, hell spawn!" Spammy takes a huge, flaming bible from the bookshelf and chucks it at the demon.The demon catches it between the eyes and staggers backward, tripping over the bed.
"Hah!" Spammy says, grabbing an umbrella and chucking it at the defenseless demon, just for good measure. He leaps over the demon's motionless body and runs out of the fiery bedroom, laughing maniacally.

An Interview with a Demon

Hey folks! Turns out Eric from Stranger in a Stranger World was so intrigued by the Anti-Punctuality demon that he decided he wanted to interview him! Isn't that lovely, ladies and gentlemen? Before we start in, though, I just wanted to give you all a little warning; his answers may be either completely non-sequitor or Monty Python references. So beware. Take it away, Eric!

Hi, Spammy. We're here at the site of your home neighborhood to talk to the so-called 'Antagonist' of your life and see the true story. Mr. Demon, Sir, in the interest of fairness and journalistic impartiality, it seems that we ought to hear your point of view on recent events at Spammy's house.  If, this is, er, you're willing to talk about it.

If means I can has nacho cheeeeeese.

What's it like trying to make it in the anti-punctuality world?

Wull Brian...

Have you always been anti-punctuality, or did you start as something else?

Was li'l Imp, once. Was used in da Boss's alarm clock, see. Wasn't very good at keeping time. Boss missed his big tempting appointment, so dose humans up top didn't eat da fruit dat woulda gotten them kicked out of da garden. Got fired. Wanted to be Incubus, but was given job as dis. Stupid HR director. Incubus's get to have all the fun.

How did you get assigned to Spammy?

Da Boss said Spammy was a late kinda person. He said we'd go together like guacamole and banana ice cream. I say dose taste bad together. He say dat whole point.

What are your top three challenges in working with Spammy?

His in'bil'ty to stop buyin' alarm clocks, his badly-written old english speeches and his guacamole cannon.

Tell us something about Spammy that nobody else knows.

Ev'ry third full moon he takes a bath in cheese whiz.

What do you think of the likeness that Spammy posted recently?  Is it true that you posed for that?

S'pretty good, but m'club's bigger than that. Yes, I posed for it. And then I beat him up with my club. And he said "Owch."

The club is an interesting choice for you.  How's that been working out?

S'good weapon. Is tasty.

It sounds like food is also a big part of what you do.  Do you have a personal favorite?

Nacho cheeeese.

What do you with your time off?

Always running late. Don't get none. But job is pretty decent. I mean, I get to beat people up and steal their food.

How long does it actually take you to get out of bed in the morning?

Well, I go to sleep at around 1:00 AM, m'alarm clock goes off at 1:15 AM, an' then I hit the 4 hour and thirty-seven-minute snooze button (which I invented) and then when it wakes me up again, I lay in bed for another half-hour while it beeps in my ear and I yell at it, and then I get up and hit it with my club.

Well, folks, looks like we're out of time for now, I hope he didn't endear you too much or reveal any of my deep and ancient secrets. Tune in next time to hear why billy goats need drug rehab centers as well!

The Epitome of Insult

I recently bred a special breed of fish that could be trained to make a very loud, annoying noise at the same time every day (I did this by breeding an electric eel with a vuvuzela) to replace my alarm clock which was deep fried in batter by the horrendous monstrosity, the Anti-Punctuality demon, who has been plaguing me with lateness of late. The biggest advantages to this eel are its distinct unfryability and its inability to be reset to some erroneous time or stopped from ringing. 

But this eel, it was...it was more than an alarm clock to me. To me it was...it was a friend. It didn't just wake me up every morning, it sang to me every morning, in the single monotonous note that was its voice. He had...a name (it was नागेन्द्र) and to me, he was more than an eel with a name in Hindi, he was an eel, with a name in Hindi. The italics make a big difference, you see. He and I listened to "House of the Rising Sun" together...so many times...
And what did that god-forsaken demon do to my eel, and the friendship that had grown between us? He ate it, the gluttonous barstud!
Now, I'm terribly sorry for the euphemism (me using euphemisms means I'm really going insane) but I am in the deepest shadow of the tallest mountain of despair I have ever attempted to climb, the broadest ocean full of sharks with fangs of depression I have ever attempted to swim. That goose-down demon (Gasp! another euphemism!) has stolen from me the one thing I ever wanted, the friendship of a half eel, half vuvuzela with a  name in Hindi. Oh Time, can you not strike down this affliction which causes so many to waste thee?


(By the way, I am going on vacation, so I may or may not be able to post while I'm gone. Depends on whether or not I have access to the internet.)

Monkeys and Megadeth

Ever since I unleashed the image of the anti-punctuality Demon, he seems to have gained power. His roars are louder. His belches are louder. He has the audacity blast thrash metal in my ears every time I try to go to sleep. He's become far, far more annoying. And I have been far more late. Notice I didn't post at all last week. Well, he was one of the reasons, and another was that I've barely been on a computer for the last ten days (we've been working on getting our house ready to sell (in fact, on Saturday some people came to look at it to see if they wanted to buy it--and the demon scared them away) and we've been painting and repairing fences and cleaning carpets and throwing out junk and occasionally smashing radios (because of the thrash metal).
So I must hurry up and go before he realizes I'm listening to music as I write this and turns on some Megadeth. Because my eardrums will burst if I hear one more electric guitar solo played so loud it would make any self-respecting platyrrhine primate urinate in terror.
I must flee, because I just heard the toilet flush (he's been hogging the bathroom as well) and I believe he has heard and is angered by my far-too-mellow-for-his-tastes-music (he has exceptional hearing when it comes to music)
Good day to you all!

A Demon Revealed

By popular demand, I decided to draw the infamous Anti-Punctuality Demon. I'm sure you've all been waiting in eager anticipation for this moment, so here you are, the image of everybody's least favorite devil!
There he is, the scourge I have dueled with ever since I had a schedule. I am beating him back, thankfully. notice the this and the post before have both been on time.
Here's some more information about him, so you can know if you encounter him.
Name: Anti-Punctuality Demon.
Height: 7 ft. 6 in.
Weapon of Choice: Thirty Flamin' Hot Cheeto club.
Favorite food: Nacho Cheese.
Birth Place: Hell.
Birth Date: The Dawn of Time (That's right, after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they started being late for everything).
So now you know what he's like.
Oh, and by the way! The poll closed (over a week ago, actually) and so the new motto, by your choosing, was 'It takes only one madman to change the world.' Thank you all for voting!
Excuse me while I run away screaming the lyrics to some heavy metal song to make this post surreal and spooky.

He's Pulled Out the Big Guns

That's right! It's been a vicious battle with the anti-punctuality demon all week. And plus we had a garage sale on Saturday (we didn't sell any clocks, by the way--ever since the demon's been attacking I've started hoarding them) and we've been getting ready to sell the house this month. So it's been a difficult battle.
He's been raging about the house using a thirty-pound Cheeto as a club (it's a Flamin' Hot one)  and hitting me with it whenever I show my face outside of my room or the hall closet.
I've had to sneak into the kitchen to get food, or munch off of his club when he hits me with it.
The donuts in the kitchen haven't been eaten so they got moldy, so yesterday I established a lodgement in the pantry and took them, but I was forced to retreat back the upstairs when he flooded me out with kool-aid.
But I have a weapon. Oh yes. I whipped it out just as I posted this.
Behold, the Demon-Smashing, Clock-Resetting Tank with Nacho Cheese Artillery Battery! Ride forth, my great steed, crush the oppressor of lateness! Onward, to victory and punctuality!
By the way, last Saturday Eric asked me what the Anti-Punctuality Demon looks like. Well, Eric, in answer, I am making a sketch to show you. Hopefully I'll be done by Friday.
Happy trails, and don't let the Anti-Punctuality Demon get you!

The Battle Continues

Gaaar! The battle with the Anti-Punctuality Demon rages on! I thought I had him down, but he drenched me with a shower of hot nacho cheese and hid in my closet while I recuperated from the attack (it took me a while to eat the cheese because it was so hot). Apparently he set my alarm clock twenty-four hours backward! Dangit!

Right now I am grappling with him in the kitchen, attempting to wrestlre the jar of peanut butter from his demonic grip (he goes around my house eating random things and setting my clocks back).

No! Foul demon! Pepperonis do NOT go well with bananas! Stop mixing up disgusting snacks with my food!

Sorry about that. Since he came to my house he seems to have tried to get in touch with his culinary side.

Not curry! No, anything but curry!

He's getting to be very aggravating. I can't even get him to read a cookbook, either.

Ha! You didn't expect my guacamole cannon, did you? Take green buttery goodness, devil!

(By the by, please remember to vote on the poll at the bottom of the page)

The Defeat of a Great Demon

This post is on time. 
HA! Flee, thou foul pugnacious anti-punctuality demon! Gone are the days of thy black reign! The smog from thy farts begone! No more shalt thou rest in mine household, gobbling my nachos and wheedling sausages out of mine refrigerator! I hereby send thee back to thine abyss where everyone is two days late for everything! I sweep thee from the stronghold of mine house with the besom of remembrance and wherewithal! Thy demise is nigh! I shall drive ye back with my righteous moldy doughnut!
And I would give an inspiring speech in old english now, but I'm too winded from my fight with that devil.
And now to copy Scott and reveal to you what I lied about on Tuesday, and what I told the truth on.
#1 I have actually painted myself with woad and charged naked (Picts ftw, baby!) at people.
Not true, I'm afraid. But I would do it if given a proper opportunity.
#2 I own four swords ranging from the mid ninteenth century to the early twentieth century, and have wounded myself on accident with all of them.
True! When I was around eleven (I was shorter then) I took one and prepared to charge Scott. I raised it above my head a little to enthusiastically, and stabbed myself in the calf. That's the most notable (and least embarrassing) of the stories...
#3 & #4 I once filled my own nostrils with plumbers putty. (&) I once filled someone else's nostrils with plumber's putty.
Both of these are untrue, alas.
#5I have actually plotted out a plan to take over the world using plumber's putty.
Well...does it count if I thought up a plan as I typed this out? I'll have to blog about my plan some time.
6) I have seriously considered editing the Wikipedia article on Plumber's putty to include that people sometimes use plumbers putty to seal their nostrils, or, more rarely, take over the world.
True. I've seriously considered editing a lot of Wikipedia articles because they're not funny. And because I can.
7) I have used moldy donuts as weapons.
Untrue. But I do think of them as weapons worthy of a great warrior.
8) I have killed small woodland creatures just to try and teach the attracted ravens to say 'Nevermore.'
I have killed small woodland creatures, but the ravens never came. The ants did, though. And the flies. But they don't speak.
9) Plumber's putty.
True!