The Best April Fools Prank Ever!

Well, yesterday was april fools, and (har har) everybody went around pranking each other. But what they don't know is that I fooled them all! Hahaha! What they don't know is that for years I have pulled off the greatest April Fools Prank of all time: I've tricked the whole world into thinking that April 1st is April Fools day, when in actuality, April 2nd is! April fools! Oh man, you should see your face right now. All you're life you thought it was April Fools Day, but you were wrong, oh yes! You were wrong, I fooled you. Anyway, enjoy the real April Fools Day!

Happy Unlucky Day!

Happy Friday 13th, ladies and gentlemen! You know, it only comes once a year. Except last year. It came thrice last year. And it came twice in 2007. And in 2006 it came twice. And it'll come three times in 2012. So whatever.
Nevertheless, it is a special day for me, and just to gall all of those bad-luck spirits I go around repairing mirrors, knocking over ladders and painting black cats purple.
Anyway, be careful and superstitious just like your mam taught you and like you will teach your children and they will teach their children to keep the whole world a dark, superstitious place where fear rules peoples minds and people cannot even walk the streets freely! Mooohahahahahaawwahahahahahahahah!
Ahem. Anyway, in other news, the anvil storm in LA has gotten worse and weathermen all over the place say that soon it'll be raining moose as well.

Easter Madness

Easter is practically here! And besides being the largest sugar-holiday the year round, it also features a rabbit who lays eggs! It takes one heckuva a race to take a holiday and do that with it. At least there's no decorations involved.
I do like some of the celebratory aspects of the holiday, though. For instance I get a lot of fulfillment out of easter-egging houses (which is throwing plastic easter eggs at people's homes) and I can't get enough of going out into the woods with a shotgun and hunting easter eggs (the easter egg season is so short, though! with the huge closed season they get, you'd think there'd be billions of them).
Anyway, happy easter, and may all your rabbits lay chocolate eggs for you! (Check to make sure they are chocolate eggs before eating them, mind)

It's President's Daaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

And I'm sooo excited! My favorite holiday of the year! (other than national laziness day, of course)

As I clutch my hand over my patriotically-flaming heart and look at that glorious red, white and blue flag which represents this glorious nation filled with fat people, criminals and stimulus packages, a tear runs down my cheek as I think of all the wonderful things about this country which for almost three hundred and fifty years has been the emblem of life, liberty and the persuit of happiness (and probably the most TV channels). My chest swells with pride for my nation as my lips open wide and I sing (in an adolescent, cracking voice)...

"YO! say can you see by the dawn's nearly-light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last screaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And I can't remember the words, something about bombs,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
YO! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Something about hotties in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half congeals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
When I wasn't awake yet! Ummm...now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-strangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the braaaaaaains!

And as I butcher my way through the rest of the star-spangles banner, I'm arrested by the national guard for disturbance of the peace and preemptive use of my singing voice (see, my singing is like a WMD, sort of).

And as I sit in a concrete cell in some desert thirty miles from everywhere, surrounded by land-mines and sitting on an electric chair, I begin to hum the star spangled banner once more.

Merry President's Day!

National Day of Laziness

Yes, its that time of year again. February 12th! National Laziness Day! To celebrate this wonderful holiday, I will be lying about all day on a couch and not going to all the work of writing a long blog post. And I'm sick, so today is a good day to be lazy.
I love this holiday because we're too lazy to put up any decorations for it, and too lazy to have to set up a Laziness Day party.

Happy National Laziness Day!

By the way, if you've never heard of National Laziness Day it's because you don't live in Dazzlerbaijanini. Everyone is lazy there.

A Valentines Day Post a Week Early...

...because I'm lazy and thats the only thing I can think of to blog about.

I have an extensive collection of valentine gifts, stored for that special someone, when the time comes. One of them has anthrax in it. Several of them have hidden poison darts that shoot out when they're opened. Some have hidden razors along the edges, and heart-shaped ninja stars, in case they get any farther than that.

There are all sorts of quixotic cards I use. And the wonderful thing is, I don't even have to write anything in them, because it wouldn't really matter, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I really get into the spirit of the season and go around naked with a bow and arrows, shooting people through their hearts in the name of love. Although I don't often do that. It's a little embarrassing. And doesn't look so good on a resume, either.

But of course, not all of my collection are for assassination. I've been known to go around on Valentine's day and give out candies with messages on them that say something like "I'd write you a love note on this, but there wasn't enough room." or "I decided not to kill you this Valentine's Day. But don't relax yet. Presidents' Day is tomorrow..." in very small type.

A Christmas Microfiction

...or at least I think it's a microfiction. That's basically anything below 100 words, right?

Anyway, I just thought this up and thought I'd post it here. I'd like to sub it somewhere, but I think all the e-zines have closed their christmas entries :S Here goes.

Tall, a stoic triangle, eerie. A silhouette against its own, strange lights; concentrated points of yellow and red light shine from it, leaving a blue, blotchy ghost of itself in my vision whenever I look away. Metal glints from it, cruel-shaped hooks and serrated streamers. A crown of twisted metal adorns its high, imperious brow, glinting in the lights. Black and greenish like hornblende it’s spiny appendages hang in the dark, adorned with their eldritch, garish decorations. I never did like the Christmas tree.

You all have a merry christmas, and don't let your tree mutate into a horrible monster which'll eat your brains and suck out your intestines through your ears!