Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Quailzilla Wednesday--Wombat

Ever wonder why there hasn't been a horror flick about a plague of evil, bloodsucking wombats? Sure, they're not really all that scary looking, in fact, they're kind of cute. But I believe they have a sinister side...
I mean, they can have black fur, after all. And they're nocturnal.
First, the non-sinister aspects:
Poor vision. They are nocturnal, so they don't have great vision in the day time. A monster isn't going to be very scary if it keeps fumbling around and dropping its glasses.
Poor appearance. Yeah, they don't really look very scary. Not very much at all.
Slow. Not as slow as turtles, but not really in a hurry to get anywhere; and its a good thing too, they can't run fast and can't really keep up speed for long.
Now for the sinister aspects:
Strong. Extremely strong. Very muscular.
Powerful claws. And hands like human's hands, with five digits.
Cubical crap. Yes! I'm serious. It's scary, how their poop is cube-shaped.
Amazing Burrowers. Wombats are the largest burrowing rodents that are still alive today.
Nocturnal. Hey, their night-dwellers and live underground most of the time. 'Nuff said.
The Verdict:
A huge, monstrous wombat would not terrify the world. Its skin isn't thick enough to withstand missiles or anything like that, and everyone would think 'Ohhh, how cute!' However, a huge horde of red-eyed, black-furred, beastly wombats that come out every night to eat people would probably be enough to scare the cubical scat out of people.




Monday, February 1, 2010

Things to Ponder--Toothbrushes

Why don't you ever hear about toothbrush models?
I mean, if you went outside today you probably saw a car or someone with a cellphone. And that car or cellphone had a model. People are constantly talking about these models. If you have a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti or and iPhone, you're instantly cool (and quite probably you're financially well off). If you have an Toyota Prius or a Motorola Droid you're pretty cool. But what about if you have an Oral-B Triumph? Or an Aquafresh Gel-Flex?
People often argue about what models of cars or phones or whatever are better. You could often hear a conversation like this:
First Guy: Duuuuuuude, Ferrari's are soooo much better!
Second Guy: Aston Martin pwns Ferrari, man!
First Guy: No way! Ferrari!
Second Guy: Aston Martin!
First Guy: Ferrari!
Second Guy: ASTON MARTIN!
First Guy: FERRRRRRAAAARRRRRRIIIIIIIII!
(Third Guy walks up)
Third Guy: Dudes, you're both wrong. iPhones are teh pwnxorx.
First Guy: ...
Second Guy: Dude, you're waaay out of it.
But you'd never hear a conversation like this:
First Guy: Oh dude! Have you seen the new Oral-B Triumph?
Second Guy: Yeah.
First Guy: Isn't it the most awesomist thing ever?
Second Guy: Nah.
First Guy: What? It's soooooo cool!
Second Guy: The Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler.
First Guy: No way! Oral-B rocks!
Second Guy: Aquafresh kicks butt!
First Guy: Oral-B kicks more butt!
Second Guy: No it doesn't! Oral-B sucks pond scum!
First Guy: ORAL-B IS SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN YOU OR YOUR AQUAFRESH!
Second Guy: NO! ITS! NOOOOOOOOTTTTT!
And of course, haha, all this arguing over whether the Oral-B Triumph or the Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler is silly and I'd never take part in it...


...Because I have a Colgate 360.

Friday, January 29, 2010

How To Laugh Evilly

Hello, all! So another one of my new series' of posts will be comprehensive How To videos, written, directed, filmed and acted out by yours truly.
This one is about how to Laugh Evilly. Enjoy!