Monday, February 15, 2010

It's President's Daaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

And I'm sooo excited! My favorite holiday of the year! (other than national laziness day, of course)
As I clutch my hand over my patriotically-flaming heart and look at that glorious red, white and blue flag which represents this glorious nation filled with fat people, criminals and stimulus packages, a tear runs down my cheek as I think of all the wonderful things about this country which for almost three hundred and fifty years has been the emblem of life, liberty and the persuit of happiness (and probably the most TV channels). My chest swells with pride for my nation as my lips open wide and I sing (in an adolescent, cracking voice)...

"YO! say can you see by the dawn's nearly-light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last screaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And I can't remember the words, something about bombs,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
YO! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Something about hotties in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half congeals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
When I wasn't awake yet! shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-strangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the braaaaaaains!

And as I butcher my way through the rest of the star-spangles banner, I'm arrested by the national guard for disturbance of the peace and preemptive use of my singing voice (see, my singing is like a WMD, sort of).
And as I sit in a concrete cell in some desert thirty miles from everywhere, surrounded by land-mines and sitting on an electric chair, I begin to hum the star spangled banner once more.
Merry President's Day!