Friday, January 29, 2010

How To Laugh Evilly

Hello, all! So another one of my new series' of posts will be comprehensive How To videos, written, directed, filmed and acted out by yours truly.
This one is about how to Laugh Evilly. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Quailzilla Wednesday--Armadillo

Okay, so with the new schedule, I'm ushering in a new series, called 'Quailzilla' which will examine random things and ask (and perhaps answer as well) why there hasn't been a horror film/monster story about them.
And to start us off, the armadillo.
Sure, it's name means 'little armored one' in spanish, it's pretty much an insectivore, and it's usually very small, but other than that, why hasn't there been a "Night of the Mutant Armadillos"?
First let's discuss the Non-horrific aspects.
1: Small. Armadillos are usually very small. Thus they aren't really very scary in a physical way.
2: Shy. If the Frankenstein Monster were shy, he wouldn't be a great monster, would he?
3: Insectivorous. No one's going to be afraid of a little animal that eats bugs, are they?
Now we'll look at the horrific aspects.
1: Not always small. Notice how I said usually up there? Yeah. The Giant Armadillo can grow to five feet long; if we're talking mutant here, this could be fifty feet high, with muscles like steel beams and a shell thicker'n the Maginot Line.
2: Sharp claws. 'Nuff said.
3: Excellent diggers. A mutant could tunnel under a city and emerge right in the middle, ready to terrorize.
4. Able to roll into a ball. Well, some species, anyway.
5. Can cross rivers. The Nine-banded Armadillo can inflate its intestines and float across a river, or sink to the bottom and run across the river-bottom.

The Verdict:
While an Armadillo monster might not be the scariest of them all, it would definitely make a good monster. So who knows why Alfred Hitchcock never made The Armadillos?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Things to Ponder--Soylent Green

Hello friends! So with the new schedule, I'll be introducing several series' of posts. The first:
Things To Ponder. Most Mondays (not all Mondays, I can't guarantee a stupid question every week :P), to start the week off, there'll be a rather daft question I'm going to ask myself. Asking stupid questions is normal for me, so I'll be doing these the most regularly ;)

The question Spammy will ask himself over and over throughout the week of 1-25/31-10 is...
Did the person who thought up the saying 'You are what you eat' know about Soylent Green?
No, seriously, it's kind of creepy thinking they meant that literally, right? I think it's some sort of conspiracy. I mean, what if Richard Fleischer and Harry Harrison went back in time to...uh...whenever that saying was made, and told people to start saying that? It's scary! What if they went forward in time and told everyone 'You are what you eat' and the people started eating each other? The future doesn't look so good.
Hmmm...well, the year 2022 is coming pretty soon, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see...but if you see Richard Fleischer and Harry Harrison, don't hesitate to shoot them.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A most wonderful announcement!

Alrighty, friends, I have an announcement.
I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with the haphazard, once-or-twice-a-month, stupid, utterly retarded posting habits of that person, who was he now...oh yeah, me. Yeah.
Well anyway, I've just about had enough of him, so here's what I'm gonna do:
Starting Monday the 25th of January, Year of Our Lord 2010, Vintage Spammy will have three bright, shiny new posts every week. On monday, wednesday and friday, with the addition of the occasional announcement, which will be thrown in any-old-how (so as not to hamper the humor).
Hopefully I'll be able to bring in more followers (this and other ways) and if I get enough, I'll be featuring a contributer post once a month! Wouldn't that be cool! So, (puts on Hollywood smile and horn-rimmed glasses) tell all your friends about it, and tell them to tell their friends about it and we'll all be happy for ever and ever for just $29.99! (removes glasses)
So anyway, just wanted to let you all in on the bright new future that approaches.