Friday, July 30, 2010

An Interview with a Demon

Hey folks! Turns out Eric from Stranger in a Stranger World was so intrigued by the Anti-Punctuality demon that he decided he wanted to interview him! Isn't that lovely, ladies and gentlemen? Before we start in, though, I just wanted to give you all a little warning; his answers may be either completely non-sequitor or Monty Python references. So beware. Take it away, Eric!

Hi, Spammy. We're here at the site of your home neighborhood to talk to the so-called 'Antagonist' of your life and see the true story. Mr. Demon, Sir, in the interest of fairness and journalistic impartiality, it seems that we ought to hear your point of view on recent events at Spammy's house.  If, this is, er, you're willing to talk about it.

If means I can has nacho cheeeeeese.

What's it like trying to make it in the anti-punctuality world?

Wull Brian...

Have you always been anti-punctuality, or did you start as something else?

Was li'l Imp, once. Was used in da Boss's alarm clock, see. Wasn't very good at keeping time. Boss missed his big tempting appointment, so dose humans up top didn't eat da fruit dat woulda gotten them kicked out of da garden. Got fired. Wanted to be Incubus, but was given job as dis. Stupid HR director. Incubus's get to have all the fun.

How did you get assigned to Spammy?

Da Boss said Spammy was a late kinda person. He said we'd go together like guacamole and banana ice cream. I say dose taste bad together. He say dat whole point.

What are your top three challenges in working with Spammy?

His in'bil'ty to stop buyin' alarm clocks, his badly-written old english speeches and his guacamole cannon.

Tell us something about Spammy that nobody else knows.

Ev'ry third full moon he takes a bath in cheese whiz.

What do you think of the likeness that Spammy posted recently?  Is it true that you posed for that?

S'pretty good, but m'club's bigger than that. Yes, I posed for it. And then I beat him up with my club. And he said "Owch."

The club is an interesting choice for you.  How's that been working out?

S'good weapon. Is tasty.

It sounds like food is also a big part of what you do.  Do you have a personal favorite?

Nacho cheeeese.

What do you with your time off?

Always running late. Don't get none. But job is pretty decent. I mean, I get to beat people up and steal their food.

How long does it actually take you to get out of bed in the morning?

Well, I go to sleep at around 1:00 AM, m'alarm clock goes off at 1:15 AM, an' then I hit the 4 hour and thirty-seven-minute snooze button (which I invented) and then when it wakes me up again, I lay in bed for another half-hour while it beeps in my ear and I yell at it, and then I get up and hit it with my club.

Well, folks, looks like we're out of time for now, I hope he didn't endear you too much or reveal any of my deep and ancient secrets. Tune in next time to hear why billy goats need drug rehab centers as well!

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Epitome of Insult

I recently bred a special breed of fish that could be trained to make a very loud, annoying noise at the same time every day (I did this by breeding an electric eel with a vuvuzela) to replace my alarm clock which was deep fried in batter by the horrendous monstrosity, the Anti-Punctuality demon, who has been plaguing me with lateness of late. The biggest advantages to this eel are its distinct unfryability and its inability to be reset to some erroneous time or stopped from ringing. 
But this eel, it was more than an alarm clock to me. To me it was a friend. It didn't just wake me up every morning, it sang to me every morning, in the single monotonous note that was its voice. He had...a name (it was नागेन्द्र) and to me, he was more than an eel with a name in Hindi, he was an eel, with a name in Hindi. The italics make a big difference, you see. He and I listened to "House of the Rising Sun" many times...
And what did that god-forsaken demon do to my eel, and the friendship that had grown between us? He ate it, the gluttonous barstud!
Now, I'm terribly sorry for the euphemism (me using euphemisms means I'm really going insane) but I am in the deepest shadow of the tallest mountain of despair I have ever attempted to climb, the broadest ocean full of sharks with fangs of depression I have ever attempted to swim. That goose-down demon (Gasp! another euphemism!) has stolen from me the one thing I ever wanted, the friendship of a half eel, half vuvuzela with a  name in Hindi. Oh Time, can you not strike down this affliction which causes so many to waste thee?

(By the way, I am going on vacation, so I may or may not be able to post while I'm gone. Depends on whether or not I have access to the internet.)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Monkeys and Megadeth

Ever since I unleashed the image of the anti-punctuality Demon, he seems to have gained power. His roars are louder. His belches are louder. He has the audacity blast thrash metal in my ears every time I try to go to sleep. He's become far, far more annoying. And I have been far more late. Notice I didn't post at all last week. Well, he was one of the reasons, and another was that I've barely been on a computer for the last ten days (we've been working on getting our house ready to sell (in fact, on Saturday some people came to look at it to see if they wanted to buy it--and the demon scared them away) and we've been painting and repairing fences and cleaning carpets and throwing out junk and occasionally smashing radios (because of the thrash metal).
So I must hurry up and go before he realizes I'm listening to music as I write this and turns on some Megadeth. Because my eardrums will burst if I hear one more electric guitar solo played so loud it would make any self-respecting platyrrhine primate urinate in terror.
I must flee, because I just heard the toilet flush (he's been hogging the bathroom as well) and I believe he has heard and is angered by my far-too-mellow-for-his-tastes-music (he has exceptional hearing when it comes to music)
Good day to you all!

Friday, July 2, 2010

A Demon Revealed

By popular demand, I decided to draw the infamous Anti-Punctuality Demon. I'm sure you've all been waiting in eager anticipation for this moment, so here you are, the image of everybody's least favorite devil!
There he is, the scourge I have dueled with ever since I had a schedule. I am beating him back, thankfully. notice the this and the post before have both been on time.
Here's some more information about him, so you can know if you encounter him.
Name: Anti-Punctuality Demon.
Height: 7 ft. 6 in.
Weapon of Choice: Thirty Flamin' Hot Cheeto club.
Favorite food: Nacho Cheese.
Birth Place: Hell.
Birth Date: The Dawn of Time (That's right, after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they started being late for everything).
So now you know what he's like.
Oh, and by the way! The poll closed (over a week ago, actually) and so the new motto, by your choosing, was 'It takes only one madman to change the world.' Thank you all for voting!
Excuse me while I run away screaming the lyrics to some heavy metal song to make this post surreal and spooky.