I have an extensive collection of valentine gifts, stored for that special someone, when the time comes. One of them has anthrax in it. Several of them have hidden poison darts that shoot out when they're opened. Some have hidden razors along the edges, and heart-shaped ninja stars, in case they get any farther than that.
There are all sorts of quixotic cards I use. And the wonderful thing is, I don't even have to write anything in them, because it wouldn't really matter, if you know what I mean.
Sometimes I really get into the spirit of the season and go around naked with a bow and arrows, shooting people through their hearts in the name of love. Although I don't often do that. It's a little embarrassing. And doesn't look so good on a resume, either.
But of course, not all of my collection are for assassination. I've been known to go around on Valentine's day and give out candies with messages on them that say something like "I'd write you a love note on this, but there wasn't enough room." or "I decided not to kill you this Valentine's Day. But don't relax yet. Presidents' Day is tomorrow..." in very small type.
