Friday, June 11, 2010

The Defeat of a Great Demon

This post is on time. 
HA! Flee, thou foul pugnacious anti-punctuality demon! Gone are the days of thy black reign! The smog from thy farts begone! No more shalt thou rest in mine household, gobbling my nachos and wheedling sausages out of mine refrigerator! I hereby send thee back to thine abyss where everyone is two days late for everything! I sweep thee from the stronghold of mine house with the besom of remembrance and wherewithal! Thy demise is nigh! I shall drive ye back with my righteous moldy doughnut!
And I would give an inspiring speech in old english now, but I'm too winded from my fight with that devil.
And now to copy Scott and reveal to you what I lied about on Tuesday, and what I told the truth on.
#1 I have actually painted myself with woad and charged naked (Picts ftw, baby!) at people.
Not true, I'm afraid. But I would do it if given a proper opportunity.
#2 I own four swords ranging from the mid ninteenth century to the early twentieth century, and have wounded myself on accident with all of them.
True! When I was around eleven (I was shorter then) I took one and prepared to charge Scott. I raised it above my head a little to enthusiastically, and stabbed myself in the calf. That's the most notable (and least embarrassing) of the stories...
#3 & #4 I once filled my own nostrils with plumbers putty. (&) I once filled someone else's nostrils with plumber's putty.
Both of these are untrue, alas.
#5I have actually plotted out a plan to take over the world using plumber's putty.
Well...does it count if I thought up a plan as I typed this out? I'll have to blog about my plan some time.
6) I have seriously considered editing the Wikipedia article on Plumber's putty to include that people sometimes use plumbers putty to seal their nostrils, or, more rarely, take over the world.
True. I've seriously considered editing a lot of Wikipedia articles because they're not funny. And because I can.
7) I have used moldy donuts as weapons.
Untrue. But I do think of them as weapons worthy of a great warrior.
8) I have killed small woodland creatures just to try and teach the attracted ravens to say 'Nevermore.'
I have killed small woodland creatures, but the ravens never came. The ants did, though. And the flies. But they don't speak.
9) Plumber's putty.