Monday, March 29, 2010

That Hideous Stench*

You all know of it. It stalks from the lavatory like a stalker, stalking anything that stands in its way. Of course, none can stand it for long.
It's the smell of...let's say...a 'fecal deposit' that Uncle Harry 'Twenty Hot Dogs'** Fartswell-[Insert last name of your choosing here] has just made in the Bathroom Credit Union. And the smell is awful. It's a horrible, miasmal, nose-exploding fog that shoots up the nasal passages and gives the olfactory system a good walloping. No one can stand it! But it just might be able to be dealt with. And woe to him who is chosen to deal with it.
My mom deals with it by opening a window and fanning the air desperately in an occult effort to get the essence of the stench to leave.
My dad deals with it by putting on his breathing apparatus, running into the bathroom and hosing the toilet's insides out (my dad's a fireman--he deals with most things the same way)
Scott deals with it by spraying about six gallons of air-freshener into the bathroom, which works by suffocating anyone who's around to smell anything.
I deal with it by doing a rite to the Stench Daemon of the Sewer Hells, which is comprised of standing over the toilet, lighting a match to draw the daemon's attention, tracing the shape of an air-freshener can in the air to keep him from taking over your soul, a spiral with the flaming match down toward the toilet bowl to signify that you hate the stench and you acknowledge his great, stinky power, waving the match out to signify that you wish him to make the stench go away, and dipping the match in the toilet-water to keep him from lighting your house on fire.
Personally, I think my way is the most logical.

*Haha I'm quite proud of that title--for those of you not versed in the works of C.S. Lewis, it's a spoof of the title of his book 'That Hideous Strength.'
**Named for his amazing ability to eat twenty hot dogs in two minutes.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Oh No...

I forgot to blog on Firday! I'm spelling it wrong and missing my garmar I'm that distrawt!
I'm so sorry! I woke up this morning and thought "Hey, today's Friday, I'm going to blo--Holy Crow! Wait! It's SATTTUUUUURRRRDAAAAYYYY!" and then I choked on my own bile and fell backwards, hitting my head on my antique 3rd century cudgel--which has a nail through it--and got a concussion and suffered a debilitating brain aneurysm which killed me.
Okay, so I didn't have a concussion or an aneurysm, but I was mourning! I wrote my own dirge and mapped out where I wanted my barrow to be, I was so fearful what you guys would do to me. THIS WAS THE SECOND TIME IN A ROW!
There was a river of my tears flowing through the house, and dragons flying about, created from the mournful farts I loosed.
I had never forgotten twice in a row! I was sure the blood of my veins and arteries would spill and create a great pool and you, my vengeful murderers would swim in it leisurely while snacking on my heart. I knew my head would soon be on a pole, being waved around while a rite was performed to make sure my soul burned in the seventh circle of hell forever.
And then I logged on, my hands shaking and my eyes watering in anticipation of my rightful slaughter, and I saw you all just crying.
Crying. No double-headed flails readied to bludgeon me, no mystic enchantresses slaughtering goats on stone altars in preparation for slaughtering me.
I would have been disappointed if I weren't so glad to still be alive.
I'm so sorry! I forgot!
You see, unlike Scott, I am not really on the carousel of busyness (well, maybe on the outlying regions, like the rooster) but on the carousel of forgetfulness and disorientation. I don't often wake up on friday and think "Okay, today's Friday, I'm going to blog." or sometimes I do, but by the time I have breakfast those thoughts are forgotten. I'm working on getting off the CFD! I am! I really am! But I'm on the ostrich. And the ostrich is eight feet tall. So it's not exactly easy.
By the by, do you like the new template?

Oh, and, um, *Squirms* remember I said I was going to have the first drawing of the week up this week? Haha, hahahah, umm, haahaha, um, how about next week?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Root Canal!

Hi everyone. I'm so sorry I forgot to blog!
I had a root canal.
I was planning to blog about it on Friday, but I forgot. Then I planned to blog about it on Saturday. And forgot. And if I were to post it on Sunday it would only be up for one day, so I figured it wasn't worth it.
So this weekend I have been silent. But now that the week is starting I am not anymore.
The root canal wasn't nearly so bad as I had thought it was going to be, though. It didn't live up to any of the horror stories that you hear (you hear them when you're going to get one, anyway).
The worst part was probably when they said they were going to use an 'electrosurge' to cauterize the tissue. Saw smoke and smelt burning. But I didn't feel anything.
I couldn't feel anything in my lower face for several hours. You could have slapped me and I wouldn't have felt anything. You could have flayed my lips off and I wouldn't have felt anything. I'd never felt anything remotely like picking someone else's nose before...but now I think I know what it would be like.
And so the moral of the story is...don't fear the root canal! Fear the ninjas that will flay your lips off while you sleep.
Again, really sorry for not blogging! I don't think I've ever been so unfaithful to my poor blog.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Yet Another Announcement

And first of all let me allay your fears--nothing is being taken from the blog. Actually, I'm going to announce the addition of a new thing!
Starting next week, I'm going to do a drawing a week (I'll make a new page for it) for your enjoyment. I have one question for you, though.
Should I hand-draw the drawings, or make them on photoshop? Here's the pros and cons of photoshop:
Pros: Crisper, less messy images, easier to upload.
Cons: Harder to draw, don't have that drawing look to them.
And the pros and cons of hand-drawing:
Pros: Made with love, easier to draw, more classy look.
Cons: Messier images, I have to scan the drawings into the computer and then edit them on photoshop and then upload them.
So what do you think? Photoshop or hand?
In other news, I got tagged (for something or other) by Scott at Ergo, and I suspect this tag he tagged me with is poisonous or something, because it's from him. Not to mention the price on it is $123,456, 789.10 which is a very suspicious price. Anyway, he tagged me. So I have to now tell you where I hope to be in ten years and then tag ten people and they have to tell everyone where they want to be in ten years and then tag ten people who then have to...gosh...sounds like we're spreading some sort of viral infection. ten years, I hope...
to be ten years older,
to have never had acne,
to be a published author,
to have ten thousand more followers on my blog.
And that's pretty much all. And tag you unlucky peoples...
Owllady, at Letter Go
Penny, at Penelope Barber
Glenda, at Schemer's World
Arnorris at The Norris Ranch
William Wallace
William Howard Taft
William Edwart Gladstone
William Longsword
(Do not ask me to explain the last three) I bet that by now most of these people have already been tagged but 1) I'm too lazy to go and find other people to tag, and 2) I can't think of a whole lot of other williams (except for William Shakespeare, and I dislike him)
In other other news, I'm still getting very few comments! Buggrit. *Wanders off to find something else to nix*

Friday, March 12, 2010

Reporting Live from the Chess Olympics

I always wonder why they have summer Olympics, winter Olympics, Youth Olympic Games, Paralympic Games, but no chess Olympics...
Now, I'm not really a chess nerd (not nearly knowledgeable enough to qualify) but I think it would be really cool to have chess Olympics. Sure, they have chess tournaments and chess Olympiads, but those aren't Olympics. Those are a bunch of famous chess players playing chess. I'm thinking more famous athletes on a giant chess board with the greatest chess masters of the world commanding them.
And just thing of the news coverage! There'd be news reporters spouting things like"Qd4?? gBxd4!!" (Which, for those of you not versed in algebraic chess notation, means the white queen just moved to the d4 square and the black bishop previously on the g file moved to the d4 square and captured her) and "d4 c6 e3 d5 Bd3! e6 f4 gNh6 c3!! and white has a Stonewall! f5! g3 Bd6!! and Black as a Stonewall as well!" and "e5?! Rxe5? hBxe5 gNxe5!" and "Oooh! It's a scholar's mate! I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, America is not doing so well today!" and "gNxf6? Rxf6++! and that pretty much wraps up the middlegame, with only the white king, bishop, three pawns and the black king, rook, knight and a pawn left!"
And it'd be so cool! It'd be awesomer than awesome! There'd be awards for the best chess compositions and quickest wins and most cool-looking pawn skeletons. It'd be totally sick! *Geeks out*

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Life of an Upside-Down Cake Farmer

What's that you say? You don't farm upside-down cakes? You think I'm insane? That I should get help? Ha! And again ha! The real question is...are we farming upside-down cakes, or are we farming cakes upside down? Mmmm?
Well, to answer your question, we're doing both. See, an Upside-Down Cake Farm not only harvests all the tastiest confectioneries known to man, it harvests them while fully inverted.
As you all know very well, the earth is flat (as proven by such esteemed scientists as Sucinrepoc Sualocin and Ielilag Oelilag). Thus, one side faces upward, and one side faces down. The upper side has all the humans on it, as well as seas and continents, and the bottom side has a lot of weird stuff on it. See, there's no water (What's that you say? Don't be silly. Water would fall right off the bottom side!) and everyone goes around upside down. And all kinds of pastries, desserts and sweetmeats grow there. But other than what grows on it, it's pretty bleak. It's all gray, except for the farms. And the native inhabitants eat rocks and just use the cakes for toilet paper.
But anyway, we grow all sorts of tasty things down there.
We get up late at night (the days are inverted there, late night is early morning, etc.) and go out to milk the Couverture chocolate cows, and we feed the Bismarck chickens and collect their Bismarcks. Then we go back to the ranch house, eat breakfast, and get on tilling the fields, sowing the ingredients for cakes and pies, or harvesting cakes and pies, depending on the season.
We have pound cake fields and angelfood cake fields and bundt cake fields, cheesecake fields, coffee cake fields, tiramisu and upside-down cake fields. We have cupcake vines and creampuff bushes.
Everything goes fairly well on our farm, except when the local natives decide they need more toilet paper and attempt to raid us. Then it's not too pretty. Especially if they get into the fields (think german chocolate cake gone horribly wrong).
We export most of our goods to the upper side (and of course no one believes that they came from the bottom side of the world, so we never get any trouble from other humans) and we live the happy lives of farmers and bakers mixed into one.
Huh. And you thought you had to bake cakes. Such a silly notion.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The No Post Post With More Posting Ideas

GARN! Forgot again! Now Saturday is almost gone and this is the first I've gotten around to writing a post. Sorry!
I think what I'm going to do today is give you several titles for blog posts, and you tell me which one to finish. And it'll be up on Monday.

#1. 'The Life of an Upside-Down Cake Farmer'

#2. 'An In-Depth Examination of Sir Major Professor Donald Donald Donald O'McMacDonaldson-Donaldworthton XVI' (With illustration, of course)

#3. 'Reporting Live from the Chess Olympics'

Monday, March 1, 2010

Things to Ponder--Things to Ponder

How am I ever going to think up a blog post today?
Yep. That's what I'm pondering right about now. And it doesn't help that my brain wants a vacation for this week. I guess I might make one up as I go along...
I think the main reason I can never think up a blog post when I want to is because of the evil laughter I keep hearing, ringing in my ears. You know of tinnitis? Well, it's sort of like that. Except instead of ringing, I hear laughter. Evil laughter. And I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I'm always laughing evilly, but I really doubt it. Highly improbable, don't you know.
I also see strange images of a person who I cannot recognize, but looks extremely familiar, whenever I enter the bathroom. He appears on these odd-shaped sheets of reflective material that I see every time I walk into a restroom. I can't quite recognize his face, but I know I've seen him before. He mocks me, mimicking my movements and mouthing every word I say. It's terrible! And he's always laughing evilly, too. I don't know why.
This is having a terribly detrimental effect on my blogging. I simply cannot go on! Maybe I should stop going to the bathroom. Although that would be hard. And potentially very disgusting. I know! I'll blindfold myself whenever I'm going to go into a bathroom! Maybe I'll mimick him mimicking me! Ooh. But that could get complicated. Then he'd mimick me mimicking him mimicking me. And that wouldn't really make any sense.