Quailzilla FRIDAY--Marsupial Mole

Well, my friends, due to some distress over the assumed disappearance of Quailzilla, I figured I'd allay your fears and bring you one today. They will not die out! Anyway.

This week's subject is, because you all know I love marsupials(okay so you didn't, but who cares?)--The Marsupial Mole! A mole which is actually a marsupial. And lives in Australia. Love Australia as well as marsupials. There're these confectioneries called 'Aussie Bites' that're wonderful...I have to wonder if they're made from the inhabitants. Getting side tracked. Back to marsupial moles.

First of all, I'll examine the non-horrific aspects, as I like to do that first for some reason.

1. Mole. Few people have ever been able to find anything scary about moles. They're just...moles.

2. Lightweight. Very easily thrown around, if you know what I mean. Usually around 3-6 ounces.

3. Endangered. Many species of marsupial mole are endangered. And so, that makes for not great numbers.

Now I found mostly scary aspects on the marsupial mole, so we'll look at those.

1. Diet. Anything that eats mainly beetle larvae and cossid caterpillars have got to be pretty nasty.

2. Claws. They have large, shovel-like front claws that are good for digging. And good for scooping your eyeballs out of your head! GAH!

3. Enigmatic. Very little is actually known about the marsupial mole, as it is rare and lives underground almost always. Spooooooky, huh?

4. Nocturnal. They live underground and don't like daylight. That's pretty good criteria for a monster's résumé.

5. Marsupial. It's a marsupial! There are marsupial frogs and marsupial mice, there used to be marsupial wolves and marsupial lions. I love marsupials. But they can be dangerous.

The Verdict:

Marsupial moles are scary creatures! If the apocalypse were to come, I'm quite sure they'd take over the world. I bet they have nuclear missle silos underneath Australia, just waiting to surface and blow everyone to kingdom come.

Quailzilla Wednesday--Wombat

Ever wonder why there hasn't been a horror flick about a plague of evil, bloodsucking wombats? Sure, they're not really all that scary looking, in fact, they're kind of cute. But I believe they have a sinister side...

I mean, they can have black fur, after all. And they're nocturnal.

First, the non-sinister aspects:

Poor vision. They are nocturnal, so they don't have great vision in the day time. A monster isn't going to be very scary if it keeps fumbling around and dropping its glasses.

Poor appearance. Yeah, they don't really look very scary. Not very much at all.

Slow. Not as slow as turtles, but not really in a hurry to get anywhere; and its a good thing too, they can't run fast and can't really keep up speed for long.

Now for the sinister aspects:

Strong. Extremely strong. Very muscular.

Powerful claws. And hands like human's hands, with five digits.

Cubical crap. Yes! I'm serious. It's scary, how their poop is cube-shaped.

Amazing Burrowers. Wombats are the largest burrowing rodents that are still alive today.

Nocturnal. Hey, their night-dwellers and live underground most of the time. 'Nuff said.

The Verdict:

A huge, monstrous wombat would not terrify the world. Its skin isn't thick enough to withstand missiles or anything like that, and everyone would think 'Ohhh, how cute!' However, a huge horde of red-eyed, black-furred, beastly wombats that come out every night to eat people would probably be enough to scare the cubical scat out of people.

Quailzilla Wednesday--Armadillo

Okay, so with the new schedule, I'm ushering in a new series, called 'Quailzilla' which will examine random things and ask (and perhaps answer as well) why there hasn't been a horror film/monster story about them.

And to start us off, the armadillo.

Sure, it's name means 'little armored one' in spanish, it's pretty much an insectivore, and it's usually very small, but other than that, why hasn't there been a "Night of the Mutant Armadillos"?

First let's discuss the Non-horrific aspects.

1: Small. Armadillos are usually very small. Thus they aren't really very scary in a physical way.

2: Shy. If the Frankenstein Monster were shy, he wouldn't be a great monster, would he?

3: Insectivorous. No one's going to be afraid of a little animal that eats bugs, are they?

Now we'll look at the horrific aspects.

1: Not always small. Notice how I said usually up there? Yeah. The Giant Armadillo can grow to five feet long; if we're talking mutant here, this could be fifty feet high, with muscles like steel beams and a shell thicker'n the Maginot Line.
2: Sharp claws. 'Nuff said.

3: Excellent diggers. A mutant could tunnel under a city and emerge right in the middle, ready to terrorize.

4. Able to roll into a ball. Well, some species, anyway.

5. Can cross rivers. The Nine-banded Armadillo can inflate its intestines and float across a river, or sink to the bottom and run across the river-bottom.

The Verdict:

While an Armadillo monster might not be the scariest of them all, it would definitely make a good monster. So who knows why Alfred Hitchcock never made The Armadillos?

A Christmas Microfiction

...or at least I think it's a microfiction. That's basically anything below 100 words, right?

Anyway, I just thought this up and thought I'd post it here. I'd like to sub it somewhere, but I think all the e-zines have closed their christmas entries :S Here goes.

Tall, a stoic triangle, eerie. A silhouette against its own, strange lights; concentrated points of yellow and red light shine from it, leaving a blue, blotchy ghost of itself in my vision whenever I look away. Metal glints from it, cruel-shaped hooks and serrated streamers. A crown of twisted metal adorns its high, imperious brow, glinting in the lights. Black and greenish like hornblende it’s spiny appendages hang in the dark, adorned with their eldritch, garish decorations. I never did like the Christmas tree.

You all have a merry christmas, and don't let your tree mutate into a horrible monster which'll eat your brains and suck out your intestines through your ears!