Quailzilla Wednesday--Wombat

Ever wonder why there hasn't been a horror flick about a plague of evil, bloodsucking wombats? Sure, they're not really all that scary looking, in fact, they're kind of cute. But I believe they have a sinister side...

I mean, they can have black fur, after all. And they're nocturnal.

First, the non-sinister aspects:

Poor vision. They are nocturnal, so they don't have great vision in the day time. A monster isn't going to be very scary if it keeps fumbling around and dropping its glasses.

Poor appearance. Yeah, they don't really look very scary. Not very much at all.

Slow. Not as slow as turtles, but not really in a hurry to get anywhere; and its a good thing too, they can't run fast and can't really keep up speed for long.

Now for the sinister aspects:

Strong. Extremely strong. Very muscular.

Powerful claws. And hands like human's hands, with five digits.

Cubical crap. Yes! I'm serious. It's scary, how their poop is cube-shaped.

Amazing Burrowers. Wombats are the largest burrowing rodents that are still alive today.

Nocturnal. Hey, their night-dwellers and live underground most of the time. 'Nuff said.

The Verdict:

A huge, monstrous wombat would not terrify the world. Its skin isn't thick enough to withstand missiles or anything like that, and everyone would think 'Ohhh, how cute!' However, a huge horde of red-eyed, black-furred, beastly wombats that come out every night to eat people would probably be enough to scare the cubical scat out of people.

Things to Ponder--Toothbrushes

Why don't you ever hear about toothbrush models?

I mean, if you went outside today you probably saw a car or someone with a cellphone. And that car or cellphone had a model. People are constantly talking about these models. If you have a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti or and iPhone, you're instantly cool (and quite probably you're financially well off). If you have an Toyota Prius or a Motorola Droid you're pretty cool. But what about if you have an Oral-B Triumph? Or an Aquafresh Gel-Flex?

People often argue about what models of cars or phones or whatever are better. You could often hear a conversation like this:

First Guy: Duuuuuuude, Ferrari's are soooo much better!

Second Guy: Aston Martin pwns Ferrari, man!

First Guy: No way! Ferrari!

Second Guy: Aston Martin!

First Guy: Ferrari!

Second Guy: ASTON MARTIN!

First Guy: FERRRRRRAAAARRRRRRIIIIIIIII!

(Third Guy walks up)

Third Guy: Dudes, you're both wrong. iPhones are teh pwnxorx.

First Guy: ...

Second Guy: Dude, you're waaay out of it.

But you'd never hear a conversation like this:

First Guy: Oh dude! Have you seen the new Oral-B Triumph?

Second Guy: Yeah.

First Guy: Isn't it the most awesomist thing ever?

Second Guy: Nah.

First Guy: What? It's soooooo cool!

Second Guy: The Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler.

First Guy: No way! Oral-B rocks!

Second Guy: Aquafresh kicks butt!

First Guy: Oral-B kicks more butt!
Second Guy: No it doesn't! Oral-B sucks pond scum!

First Guy: ORAL-B IS SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN YOU OR YOUR AQUAFRESH!

Second Guy: NO! ITS! NOOOOOOOOTTTTT!

And of course, haha, all this arguing over whether the Oral-B Triumph or the Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler is silly and I'd never take part in it...

...Because I have a Colgate 360.

How To Laugh Evilly

Hello, all! So another one of my new series' of posts will be comprehensive How To videos, written, directed, filmed and acted out by yours truly.

This one is about how to Laugh Evilly. Enjoy!

Quailzilla Wednesday--Armadillo

Okay, so with the new schedule, I'm ushering in a new series, called 'Quailzilla' which will examine random things and ask (and perhaps answer as well) why there hasn't been a horror film/monster story about them.

And to start us off, the armadillo.

Sure, it's name means 'little armored one' in spanish, it's pretty much an insectivore, and it's usually very small, but other than that, why hasn't there been a "Night of the Mutant Armadillos"?

First let's discuss the Non-horrific aspects.

1: Small. Armadillos are usually very small. Thus they aren't really very scary in a physical way.

2: Shy. If the Frankenstein Monster were shy, he wouldn't be a great monster, would he?

3: Insectivorous. No one's going to be afraid of a little animal that eats bugs, are they?

Now we'll look at the horrific aspects.

1: Not always small. Notice how I said usually up there? Yeah. The Giant Armadillo can grow to five feet long; if we're talking mutant here, this could be fifty feet high, with muscles like steel beams and a shell thicker'n the Maginot Line.
2: Sharp claws. 'Nuff said.

3: Excellent diggers. A mutant could tunnel under a city and emerge right in the middle, ready to terrorize.

4. Able to roll into a ball. Well, some species, anyway.

5. Can cross rivers. The Nine-banded Armadillo can inflate its intestines and float across a river, or sink to the bottom and run across the river-bottom.

The Verdict:

While an Armadillo monster might not be the scariest of them all, it would definitely make a good monster. So who knows why Alfred Hitchcock never made The Armadillos?

Things to Ponder--Soylent Green

Hello friends! So with the new schedule, I'll be introducing several series' of posts. The first:

Things To Ponder. Most Mondays (not all Mondays, I can't guarantee a stupid question every week :P), to start the week off, there'll be a rather daft question I'm going to ask myself. Asking stupid questions is normal for me, so I'll be doing these the most regularly ;)

The question Spammy will ask himself over and over throughout the week of 1-25/31-10 is...

Did the person who thought up the saying 'You are what you eat' know about Soylent Green?

No, seriously, it's kind of creepy thinking they meant that literally, right? I think it's some sort of conspiracy. I mean, what if Richard Fleischer and Harry Harrison went back in time to...uh...whenever that saying was made, and told people to start saying that? It's scary! What if they went forward in time and told everyone 'You are what you eat' and the people started eating each other? The future doesn't look so good.

Hmmm...well, the year 2022 is coming pretty soon, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see...but if you see Richard Fleischer and Harry Harrison, don't hesitate to shoot them.

A most wonderful announcement!

Alrighty, friends, I have an announcement.

I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with the haphazard, once-or-twice-a-month, stupid, utterly retarded posting habits of that person, who was he now...oh yeah, me. Yeah.

Well anyway, I've just about had enough of him, so here's what I'm gonna do:

NEWWWWWW SCHEDULE! YEEHAW!

Starting Monday the 25th of January, Year of Our Lord 2010, Vintage Spammy will have three bright, shiny new posts every week. On monday, wednesday and friday, with the addition of the occasional announcement, which will be thrown in any-old-how (so as not to hamper the humor).

Hopefully I'll be able to bring in more followers (this and other ways) and if I get enough, I'll be featuring a contributer post once a month! Wouldn't that be cool! So, (puts on Hollywood smile and horn-rimmed glasses) tell all your friends about it, and tell them to tell their friends about it and we'll all be happy for ever and ever for just $29.99! (removes glasses)

So anyway, just wanted to let you all in on the bright new future that approaches.