Quailzilla FRIDAY--Marsupial Mole

Well, my friends, due to some distress over the assumed disappearance of Quailzilla, I figured I'd allay your fears and bring you one today. They will not die out! Anyway.

This week's subject is, because you all know I love marsupials(okay so you didn't, but who cares?)--The Marsupial Mole! A mole which is actually a marsupial. And lives in Australia. Love Australia as well as marsupials. There're these confectioneries called 'Aussie Bites' that're wonderful...I have to wonder if they're made from the inhabitants. Getting side tracked. Back to marsupial moles.

First of all, I'll examine the non-horrific aspects, as I like to do that first for some reason.

1. Mole. Few people have ever been able to find anything scary about moles. They're just...moles.

2. Lightweight. Very easily thrown around, if you know what I mean. Usually around 3-6 ounces.

3. Endangered. Many species of marsupial mole are endangered. And so, that makes for not great numbers.

Now I found mostly scary aspects on the marsupial mole, so we'll look at those.

1. Diet. Anything that eats mainly beetle larvae and cossid caterpillars have got to be pretty nasty.

2. Claws. They have large, shovel-like front claws that are good for digging. And good for scooping your eyeballs out of your head! GAH!

3. Enigmatic. Very little is actually known about the marsupial mole, as it is rare and lives underground almost always. Spooooooky, huh?

4. Nocturnal. They live underground and don't like daylight. That's pretty good criteria for a monster's résumé.

5. Marsupial. It's a marsupial! There are marsupial frogs and marsupial mice, there used to be marsupial wolves and marsupial lions. I love marsupials. But they can be dangerous.

The Verdict:

Marsupial moles are scary creatures! If the apocalypse were to come, I'm quite sure they'd take over the world. I bet they have nuclear missle silos underneath Australia, just waiting to surface and blow everyone to kingdom come.

A Not-So-Wonderful Announcement

Greetings, all ye who follow. I have an announcement to make.

In the last few weeks, since I introduced the thrice-a-week posting schedule, I have noticed two things:

1) A steady decrease in comments on posts.

2) A steady decrease in the quality of the posts [in my opinion, anyway]

3) Practically no increase in followers.

Therefore, this has led me to conclude that I cannot keep on with this schedule. It's just too tiresome to keep up, with zero benefits.

While I could never again give up blogging weekly, I'm afraid we're going to do away with the Wednesday post (not Quailzilla, mind you, just posting on Wednesdays). Posting will continue, however, on Mondays and Fridays. This is the final Wednesday post. And hopefully this will give me a little more time to rejuvenate from being burnt out by this schedule. So the thrice-a-week schedule is cancelled until further notice. I may bring it back, someday. But not any time soon.

That is all. Hope I didn't put a damper on anyone's day except for mine.

For Nerds Only!

Okay, so here's a little drawing for all you nerds around.

WARNING: If you are not a nerd, or do not know what entropy is, look up entropy. Otherwise the effect will be lost on you.

Haw haw haw haw! Isn't that funny? Har har hee haw!

Okay so not really. But whatever. I didn't have anything else to post about today.

(By the way, 'By N. Tropy' is not the joke, in case you didn't realize)

GASP! I Forgot! And I'm not making any cents!

I'm so most terribly ever so sorry! I forgot to do a post yesterday. Well...and I sort of procrastinated.

On a scale of one to ten, one being absolutely terrorific and ten representing ten thousand ducks lined up in a row, what would you say whelks rate?

That's pretty much the way my mind is processing right now. I think this schedule is driving me inane. Ant hat isn't a miss pilling of insane. No typo's in that last sentence. I meant to type it all. I cannot think strait write now, but at least I canned type all rite.

Any whey, you all have a swimmer-full wick end, and good buy.

Awards!

Yes...hmmm...well, I got this award, which tells me I'm over the top, from Scott of Ergo Humor.

Well, here's the schedule of the day: first off, thank you, Scott! I would give an acceptance speech but my dog ate it (wink wink nudge nudge).

Second, as per instructions which come with the award, I have to answer all these strange questions about myself and how over-the-top I am with one word, and then I'll be nominating a few lucky followers for the award! Isn't that exciting???!! WOWOWOOOHHHOO!!!!

Your cell phone: Huge.

Your hair: Flaming.
Your mother: Motherly.
Your father: Fatherly
Your favorite food: Salmonellaburgers
Your dream last night: Salmonellaburgers
Your favorite drink: Malk.
Your dream goal: Fame (for my writing...or at least recognition for my writing)
What room are you in: None
Your hobby: Hobby-making
Your fear: Grandma
Where do you see yourself in six years: Writing
Where were you last night: Asleep.
Something you aren't: Grandma
Muffins: Wonderful.
Wish list item: Laptop
Where did you grow up: Stalker.
Last thing you did: Sat.
What are you wearing: Nothingggg!!!!!
Your TV: Crater.
Your pets: Demoncats
Your friends: Alive.
Your life: Great.
Your mood: Creeped.
Missing someone: Rarely.
Vehicle: None
Something you aren't wearing: Hat.
Your favorite store: WALMART!
Your favorite color: Red.
When was the last time you laughed: Yesteryear
Last time you cried: Yesteryear
Your best friend: Jesus Christ
One place you go to over and over: WALMART!
Facebook: NEVERRRRRR!
Favorite place to eat: WALMART!

Okay, so now, as per instructions yet again, I have to think up five people to give this award to...

Merc, at Merc Rants, because she's evilly over-the-top.

Paul, at Complications. No reason needed. He is.

Martha, at Skyewriting and Musings, because anyone who still blogs thrice a week when they have MS is over the top. And plus she would be over the top anyway.

Amber, at The Norris Ranch, same as Paul. She is purely over the top.

Krista at Krista D. Ball's Zombie Free Blog, because she is prepared for the zombies.

Anyway, happy awarding time to ye all!

It's President's Daaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

And I'm sooo excited! My favorite holiday of the year! (other than national laziness day, of course)

As I clutch my hand over my patriotically-flaming heart and look at that glorious red, white and blue flag which represents this glorious nation filled with fat people, criminals and stimulus packages, a tear runs down my cheek as I think of all the wonderful things about this country which for almost three hundred and fifty years has been the emblem of life, liberty and the persuit of happiness (and probably the most TV channels). My chest swells with pride for my nation as my lips open wide and I sing (in an adolescent, cracking voice)...

"YO! say can you see by the dawn's nearly-light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last screaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And I can't remember the words, something about bombs,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
YO! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Something about hotties in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half congeals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
When I wasn't awake yet! Ummm...now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-strangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the braaaaaaains!

And as I butcher my way through the rest of the star-spangles banner, I'm arrested by the national guard for disturbance of the peace and preemptive use of my singing voice (see, my singing is like a WMD, sort of).

And as I sit in a concrete cell in some desert thirty miles from everywhere, surrounded by land-mines and sitting on an electric chair, I begin to hum the star spangled banner once more.

Merry President's Day!

National Day of Laziness

Yes, its that time of year again. February 12th! National Laziness Day! To celebrate this wonderful holiday, I will be lying about all day on a couch and not going to all the work of writing a long blog post. And I'm sick, so today is a good day to be lazy.
I love this holiday because we're too lazy to put up any decorations for it, and too lazy to have to set up a Laziness Day party.

Happy National Laziness Day!

By the way, if you've never heard of National Laziness Day it's because you don't live in Dazzlerbaijanini. Everyone is lazy there.

A Critical Analysis of the Wizard of Oz.

The Wizard of Oz...one of the first movies to be in color. A classic, based on the book by L. Frank Baum. Old movie. And yet not without its faults, either.

There are some major problems with it. Of course, I might just being pedantic.

1. Isn't it kind of a deus ex machina that the house managed to land on the wicked witch of the east, but not squash her slippers, and be undamaged? And not to mention it doesn't hurt any munchkins.

2. If Glinda could magically transfer the ruby slippers from the wicked witch of the east's feet to Dorothy's, did she magically transfer the witch's wallet from the witch's pocket to her own? (Not really an error there, but an interesting prospect...)

3. Very shortly after her journey has started, she meets three people, and they're headed for the Emerald city to find a heart (for the tin man) a brain (for the scarecrow) and some courage (for the lion). But I'm assuming the scarecrow and the tin man know that the lion had both heart and brain, so why continue on a silly quest with an easily-scared lion?

4. Why doesn't the tin man take his hatchet with him? I'm assuming he could use a weapon?

5. Where are you going to find lions, tigers and bears in the same forest?

6. Monkeys are much lighter than humans. How could they carry Dorothy?

7. If the witch can be dissolved by water, does that mean she never took a bath? Or a shower? The Winkies must have been horrified by the stench.

I think I am being a little too pedantic. But I had to vent it on something.

A Valentines Day Post a Week Early...

...because I'm lazy and thats the only thing I can think of to blog about.

I have an extensive collection of valentine gifts, stored for that special someone, when the time comes. One of them has anthrax in it. Several of them have hidden poison darts that shoot out when they're opened. Some have hidden razors along the edges, and heart-shaped ninja stars, in case they get any farther than that.

There are all sorts of quixotic cards I use. And the wonderful thing is, I don't even have to write anything in them, because it wouldn't really matter, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I really get into the spirit of the season and go around naked with a bow and arrows, shooting people through their hearts in the name of love. Although I don't often do that. It's a little embarrassing. And doesn't look so good on a resume, either.

But of course, not all of my collection are for assassination. I've been known to go around on Valentine's day and give out candies with messages on them that say something like "I'd write you a love note on this, but there wasn't enough room." or "I decided not to kill you this Valentine's Day. But don't relax yet. Presidents' Day is tomorrow..." in very small type.

Searching for enlightenment...

There is an enigma in this universe of ours...

...a question many have died trying to answer...

...a question which may never truly be answered, for lack of courage...

...lack of seekers of knowledge...

...and lack of guts to ask it.

Why are bald guys' heads so shiny? No, seriously. As you can see, Patrick Stewart is bald, or follicly challenged, if you prefer. But whatever you call it, his head is real shiny.

I mean, sitting in church last Sunday I saw, sitting four or five pews ahead, a rather elderly, follicly challenged man. And his head was so shiny! I had to avert my eyes to keep from going blind! How did it get so shiny? Does he polish it every morning? He had to be using sand paper or something, it was so shiny! Maybe he had his scalp replaced by a mirror.

I have to wonder if theres some cultural mythos where the sun god (like Sól in Germanic mythology, or Helios in Greek) is a follicly challenged god who flies through the sky all day holding a light bulb behind his head.

Perhaps there is a mountain guru high in the Himalayas who's head is so shiny you can see it reflected off way up in Beijing.

Perhaps the earth actually rotates around a giant bald guy's head?

Quailzilla Wednesday--Wombat

Ever wonder why there hasn't been a horror flick about a plague of evil, bloodsucking wombats? Sure, they're not really all that scary looking, in fact, they're kind of cute. But I believe they have a sinister side...

I mean, they can have black fur, after all. And they're nocturnal.

First, the non-sinister aspects:

Poor vision. They are nocturnal, so they don't have great vision in the day time. A monster isn't going to be very scary if it keeps fumbling around and dropping its glasses.

Poor appearance. Yeah, they don't really look very scary. Not very much at all.

Slow. Not as slow as turtles, but not really in a hurry to get anywhere; and its a good thing too, they can't run fast and can't really keep up speed for long.

Now for the sinister aspects:

Strong. Extremely strong. Very muscular.

Powerful claws. And hands like human's hands, with five digits.

Cubical crap. Yes! I'm serious. It's scary, how their poop is cube-shaped.

Amazing Burrowers. Wombats are the largest burrowing rodents that are still alive today.

Nocturnal. Hey, their night-dwellers and live underground most of the time. 'Nuff said.

The Verdict:

A huge, monstrous wombat would not terrify the world. Its skin isn't thick enough to withstand missiles or anything like that, and everyone would think 'Ohhh, how cute!' However, a huge horde of red-eyed, black-furred, beastly wombats that come out every night to eat people would probably be enough to scare the cubical scat out of people.

Things to Ponder--Toothbrushes

Why don't you ever hear about toothbrush models?

I mean, if you went outside today you probably saw a car or someone with a cellphone. And that car or cellphone had a model. People are constantly talking about these models. If you have a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti or and iPhone, you're instantly cool (and quite probably you're financially well off). If you have an Toyota Prius or a Motorola Droid you're pretty cool. But what about if you have an Oral-B Triumph? Or an Aquafresh Gel-Flex?

People often argue about what models of cars or phones or whatever are better. You could often hear a conversation like this:

First Guy: Duuuuuuude, Ferrari's are soooo much better!

Second Guy: Aston Martin pwns Ferrari, man!

First Guy: No way! Ferrari!

Second Guy: Aston Martin!

First Guy: Ferrari!

Second Guy: ASTON MARTIN!

First Guy: FERRRRRRAAAARRRRRRIIIIIIIII!

(Third Guy walks up)

Third Guy: Dudes, you're both wrong. iPhones are teh pwnxorx.

First Guy: ...

Second Guy: Dude, you're waaay out of it.

But you'd never hear a conversation like this:

First Guy: Oh dude! Have you seen the new Oral-B Triumph?

Second Guy: Yeah.

First Guy: Isn't it the most awesomist thing ever?

Second Guy: Nah.

First Guy: What? It's soooooo cool!

Second Guy: The Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler.

First Guy: No way! Oral-B rocks!

Second Guy: Aquafresh kicks butt!

First Guy: Oral-B kicks more butt!
Second Guy: No it doesn't! Oral-B sucks pond scum!

First Guy: ORAL-B IS SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN YOU OR YOUR AQUAFRESH!

Second Guy: NO! ITS! NOOOOOOOOTTTTT!

And of course, haha, all this arguing over whether the Oral-B Triumph or the Aquafresh Gel-Flex is cooler is silly and I'd never take part in it...

...Because I have a Colgate 360.