Just wanted to let you guys know...

...that I'm still here (but really busy), if there's still anyone out there.
I'm in the process of moving right now, but by mid January I ought to be settled in and I'll have my own computer to write (and draw) on. So just wanted to let whoever's around that I'm a-comin' back. Soon.

NaNoWriMo--my new excuse

I know I haven't been posting lately. But now I actually have an excuse. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month.
So I will attempt to post throughout November, but if I don't you know why not.
Now, before you start throwing stones--hey look! It's Justin Bieber making out with a monkey!
(and now I will sneak away while you are distracted)

Of Mice and Me

Evening of a hot day started the little wind to moving among the leaves. The shade climbed up the hills toward the top. On the sand banks the rabbits sat as quietly as little gray, sculptured stones. And then from the direction of the state highway  came the sound of footsteps on crisp sycamore leaves. The rabbits hurried noiselessly for cover. A stilted heron labored up into the air and pounded down river. For a moment the place was lifeless, and then a man emerged from path and came into the opening by the pool.
And this is what he said:
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen! In case you didn't guess from the paragraph above, I just finished reading "Of Mice and  Men." It had me kind of depressed for a few minutes, before I remembered I hadn't posted today! And so here I am. And (hopefully, if you're reading this) so are you (if you aren't, I'm never speaking to you again). And--hold on a second. I've gotta check my pockets for mice.
Anyhow, I could get along so easy and so nice if I didn't have you on my tail--err, ahem. Sorry about that.
I'd better stop now, or George won't let me tend any rabbits--goodbye! You crazy bass-turds!

Shame

For shame! I haven't posted in 18 days! I am ashamed. I am a shamefacedly shameful excuse for a blogger. And to cover my shameful shamefulness and attempt to regain my readership, I am going to have to introduce something to the blog. To make it a little more interesting. And less shameful.
Comic Posts! Starting whenever I can finish one there will be a post in comic book form every other week.
But I need you few, you lucky (and not shameful) few, to tell me this:
Should it be a sort of ongoing story or just standalone posts (like, I would just make a post about whatever and draw it)? Or both? Or something else? There really aren't enough followers to have an official vote and everything, so just you who read it, give me your suggestions.
And I already know what to call them! Grogs! (graphic blogs) Now I just need to figure out some clever way to couple 'grog' with a day of the week...Grog Mondays, anyone? (I'll think up something better'n that with a little time)

Philosophies and Uncontroversial Issues

Well, I'm feeling philosophical because my school reading list includes Lord of the Flies (which I just finished, and I loved) by William Golding, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, and may (although I'm not absolutely certain) contain Night by Elie Wiesel.
So I figured that if one is to be great in the the world one must have a personal philosophy to live by and spread throughout to one's followers.
The only problem is that I can't think of one. I have it!
God is dead. God will remain dead--no, no, that's just nonsense. God being dead. Pah! Leave it to a guy with a huge mustache to come up with a silly idea like that.
Hmmmmm...It might have to do with eating. I might like that.
Although a philosophy about food...I don't know. It come across as too shallow.
Ooh! It could be about some controversy like...ummm...well, on second thought, that might get me in trouble with some people. Like marxists...and Barack Obama...
It could be about how I utterly loathe Justin Bieber! 'All men hate him because without any of the qualities of a normal man he attracts so many young women.' Except that I might get death threats from most of the female population of the U.S.
By Jehoshaphat I've got it! It'll be just what I said earlier: If one is to be great in the the world one must have a personal philosophy to live by and spread throughout to one's followers. That's a very good philosophy in and of itself; It accomplishes absolutely nothing at all except to confuse people.

Well I'm Not Feeling Very Creative Today So I Figured I'd Just Post A Drawing

The Battle of the Bedroom

Spammy slaps his alarm clock. It says "Ow! I'm just trying to help you!"
"Yeah, well, if you really wanna help..." Spammy rubs his eyes and looks at the alarm clock. He eyes bulge. "Then don't wake me up at two forty-one in the afternoon!" He grabs the alarm clock and shakes it. "What's wrong with you? Can't you tell time?"
"Umm, well," The clock squirms in Spammy's grip. "I might have been reset, umm...while I was asleep?"
"Traitor!" Spammy throws the clock across the room."Treasonous bass-turd!"
"Resorting t' euphemisms, are we, brother spammy?" A sulfurous voice says from behind Spammy.
Spammy whirls. "You. It was you! Ghhhhhhaaaaagahhhhhhhrrrr!" Spammy leaps on top of the seven-foot-six-inch tall demon.
The anti-punctuality demon roars and throws Spammy across the room , hurling a five-foot flaming cheese curl after him.
Spammy rolls aside as the cheese curl starts the wall paper and carpet on fire. Spammy grabs a vuvuzela and charges the demon, swinging the horrendous instrument at the demon's head.
As the vuvuzela connects with the demon's head it snaps into three pieces. "Arrrgh! Dame safety precautions!" Spammy drops the now-useless piece of plastic. The demon advances on Spammy, the light from the spreading fire glinting in his dark eyes.
Spammy leaps over his bed and runs to the bookshelf, hurling flaming book after flaming book at the demon. The demon knocks them aside and jumps over the bed.
"Take the sword of the spirit, hell spawn!" Spammy takes a huge, flaming bible from the bookshelf and chucks it at the demon.The demon catches it between the eyes and staggers backward, tripping over the bed.
"Hah!" Spammy says, grabbing an umbrella and chucking it at the defenseless demon, just for good measure. He leaps over the demon's motionless body and runs out of the fiery bedroom, laughing maniacally.

Princess In Shining Armor!

My Princess in Shining armor is here! Look!

She even has a midget horse!

In case you were wondering, YES I drew these with the Intuos4 I got on Tuesday. No scanning involved! No nothing except drawing!
I love this thing! You can expect more illustrated posts soon! Maybe even posts in comic-book form! But only if your good little people and eat all your Brussels sprouts.

...did I ever mention that I love Brussels sprouts? Some of my favorite vegetables.

I call this one the 'Uniscorn,' a hybrid of scorpion and unicorn.

Happy Unlucky Day!

Happy Friday 13th, ladies and gentlemen! You know, it only comes once a year. Except last year. It came thrice last year. And it came twice in 2007. And in 2006 it came twice. And it'll come three times in 2012. So whatever.
Nevertheless, it is a special day for me, and just to gall all of those bad-luck spirits I go around repairing mirrors, knocking over ladders and painting black cats purple.
Anyway, be careful and superstitious just like your mam taught you and like you will teach your children and they will teach their children to keep the whole world a dark, superstitious place where fear rules peoples minds and people cannot even walk the streets freely! Mooohahahahahaawwahahahahahahahah!
Ahem. Anyway, in other news, the anvil storm in LA has gotten worse and weathermen all over the place say that soon it'll be raining moose as well.

The Answer to...um...half of my problems!

Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, the answer has revealed itself.
As some of you know, I've been in a quandary as to whether to draw my drawings by hand or draw on photoshop or some other electronic means. I would do it completely electronically, because that eliminates the middleman (a.k.a. the photocopier), except that drawing with a mouse or (if I'm using a laptop) one of those little track-pad thingies is really hard and doesn't turn usually out so well. So as of yesterday my...well...I'm a guy, so I can't I call it my knight in shining armor, can I? Hmmmm...okay, my princess in shining armor is coming to save the day!
It's name is...the Intuos4. So now I can draw on it as if I were drawing by hand, and it'll go straight into the computer (gosh, do I sound inept to you? Shouldn't I be spouting C++ or something?) and wallah!
So anyway, that should resolve all of my drawing problems. And, with bloggers new thing that they put out where you can put your own picture behind your blog, you shall see...some sort of drawing behind my blog (I know, I know, you're probably banging your head against your desk and saying "You mean you couldn't DO THAT ANYWAY?!")
Anyway, next I need to find some some sort of resolution to the goat grazing on my carpets... and the demon making me late for everything...and the ghost of an angry avocado that I ate haunting my dreams...

An Interview with a Demon

Hey folks! Turns out Eric from Stranger in a Stranger World was so intrigued by the Anti-Punctuality demon that he decided he wanted to interview him! Isn't that lovely, ladies and gentlemen? Before we start in, though, I just wanted to give you all a little warning; his answers may be either completely non-sequitor or Monty Python references. So beware. Take it away, Eric!

Hi, Spammy. We're here at the site of your home neighborhood to talk to the so-called 'Antagonist' of your life and see the true story. Mr. Demon, Sir, in the interest of fairness and journalistic impartiality, it seems that we ought to hear your point of view on recent events at Spammy's house.  If, this is, er, you're willing to talk about it.

If means I can has nacho cheeeeeese.

What's it like trying to make it in the anti-punctuality world?

Wull Brian...

Have you always been anti-punctuality, or did you start as something else?

Was li'l Imp, once. Was used in da Boss's alarm clock, see. Wasn't very good at keeping time. Boss missed his big tempting appointment, so dose humans up top didn't eat da fruit dat woulda gotten them kicked out of da garden. Got fired. Wanted to be Incubus, but was given job as dis. Stupid HR director. Incubus's get to have all the fun.

How did you get assigned to Spammy?

Da Boss said Spammy was a late kinda person. He said we'd go together like guacamole and banana ice cream. I say dose taste bad together. He say dat whole point.

What are your top three challenges in working with Spammy?

His in'bil'ty to stop buyin' alarm clocks, his badly-written old english speeches and his guacamole cannon.

Tell us something about Spammy that nobody else knows.

Ev'ry third full moon he takes a bath in cheese whiz.

What do you think of the likeness that Spammy posted recently?  Is it true that you posed for that?

S'pretty good, but m'club's bigger than that. Yes, I posed for it. And then I beat him up with my club. And he said "Owch."

The club is an interesting choice for you.  How's that been working out?

S'good weapon. Is tasty.

It sounds like food is also a big part of what you do.  Do you have a personal favorite?

Nacho cheeeese.

What do you with your time off?

Always running late. Don't get none. But job is pretty decent. I mean, I get to beat people up and steal their food.

How long does it actually take you to get out of bed in the morning?

Well, I go to sleep at around 1:00 AM, m'alarm clock goes off at 1:15 AM, an' then I hit the 4 hour and thirty-seven-minute snooze button (which I invented) and then when it wakes me up again, I lay in bed for another half-hour while it beeps in my ear and I yell at it, and then I get up and hit it with my club.

Well, folks, looks like we're out of time for now, I hope he didn't endear you too much or reveal any of my deep and ancient secrets. Tune in next time to hear why billy goats need drug rehab centers as well!

The Epitome of Insult

I recently bred a special breed of fish that could be trained to make a very loud, annoying noise at the same time every day (I did this by breeding an electric eel with a vuvuzela) to replace my alarm clock which was deep fried in batter by the horrendous monstrosity, the Anti-Punctuality demon, who has been plaguing me with lateness of late. The biggest advantages to this eel are its distinct unfryability and its inability to be reset to some erroneous time or stopped from ringing. 

But this eel, it was...it was more than an alarm clock to me. To me it was...it was a friend. It didn't just wake me up every morning, it sang to me every morning, in the single monotonous note that was its voice. He had...a name (it was नागेन्द्र) and to me, he was more than an eel with a name in Hindi, he was an eel, with a name in Hindi. The italics make a big difference, you see. He and I listened to "House of the Rising Sun" together...so many times...
And what did that god-forsaken demon do to my eel, and the friendship that had grown between us? He ate it, the gluttonous barstud!
Now, I'm terribly sorry for the euphemism (me using euphemisms means I'm really going insane) but I am in the deepest shadow of the tallest mountain of despair I have ever attempted to climb, the broadest ocean full of sharks with fangs of depression I have ever attempted to swim. That goose-down demon (Gasp! another euphemism!) has stolen from me the one thing I ever wanted, the friendship of a half eel, half vuvuzela with a  name in Hindi. Oh Time, can you not strike down this affliction which causes so many to waste thee?


(By the way, I am going on vacation, so I may or may not be able to post while I'm gone. Depends on whether or not I have access to the internet.)

Monkeys and Megadeth

Ever since I unleashed the image of the anti-punctuality Demon, he seems to have gained power. His roars are louder. His belches are louder. He has the audacity blast thrash metal in my ears every time I try to go to sleep. He's become far, far more annoying. And I have been far more late. Notice I didn't post at all last week. Well, he was one of the reasons, and another was that I've barely been on a computer for the last ten days (we've been working on getting our house ready to sell (in fact, on Saturday some people came to look at it to see if they wanted to buy it--and the demon scared them away) and we've been painting and repairing fences and cleaning carpets and throwing out junk and occasionally smashing radios (because of the thrash metal).
So I must hurry up and go before he realizes I'm listening to music as I write this and turns on some Megadeth. Because my eardrums will burst if I hear one more electric guitar solo played so loud it would make any self-respecting platyrrhine primate urinate in terror.
I must flee, because I just heard the toilet flush (he's been hogging the bathroom as well) and I believe he has heard and is angered by my far-too-mellow-for-his-tastes-music (he has exceptional hearing when it comes to music)
Good day to you all!

A Demon Revealed

By popular demand, I decided to draw the infamous Anti-Punctuality Demon. I'm sure you've all been waiting in eager anticipation for this moment, so here you are, the image of everybody's least favorite devil!
There he is, the scourge I have dueled with ever since I had a schedule. I am beating him back, thankfully. notice the this and the post before have both been on time.
Here's some more information about him, so you can know if you encounter him.
Name: Anti-Punctuality Demon.
Height: 7 ft. 6 in.
Weapon of Choice: Thirty Flamin' Hot Cheeto club.
Favorite food: Nacho Cheese.
Birth Place: Hell.
Birth Date: The Dawn of Time (That's right, after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they started being late for everything).
So now you know what he's like.
Oh, and by the way! The poll closed (over a week ago, actually) and so the new motto, by your choosing, was 'It takes only one madman to change the world.' Thank you all for voting!
Excuse me while I run away screaming the lyrics to some heavy metal song to make this post surreal and spooky.

He's Pulled Out the Big Guns

That's right! It's been a vicious battle with the anti-punctuality demon all week. And plus we had a garage sale on Saturday (we didn't sell any clocks, by the way--ever since the demon's been attacking I've started hoarding them) and we've been getting ready to sell the house this month. So it's been a difficult battle.
He's been raging about the house using a thirty-pound Cheeto as a club (it's a Flamin' Hot one)  and hitting me with it whenever I show my face outside of my room or the hall closet.
I've had to sneak into the kitchen to get food, or munch off of his club when he hits me with it.
The donuts in the kitchen haven't been eaten so they got moldy, so yesterday I established a lodgement in the pantry and took them, but I was forced to retreat back the upstairs when he flooded me out with kool-aid.
But I have a weapon. Oh yes. I whipped it out just as I posted this.
Behold, the Demon-Smashing, Clock-Resetting Tank with Nacho Cheese Artillery Battery! Ride forth, my great steed, crush the oppressor of lateness! Onward, to victory and punctuality!
By the way, last Saturday Eric asked me what the Anti-Punctuality Demon looks like. Well, Eric, in answer, I am making a sketch to show you. Hopefully I'll be done by Friday.
Happy trails, and don't let the Anti-Punctuality Demon get you!

The Battle Continues

Gaaar! The battle with the Anti-Punctuality Demon rages on! I thought I had him down, but he drenched me with a shower of hot nacho cheese and hid in my closet while I recuperated from the attack (it took me a while to eat the cheese because it was so hot). Apparently he set my alarm clock twenty-four hours backward! Dangit!

Right now I am grappling with him in the kitchen, attempting to wrestlre the jar of peanut butter from his demonic grip (he goes around my house eating random things and setting my clocks back).

No! Foul demon! Pepperonis do NOT go well with bananas! Stop mixing up disgusting snacks with my food!

Sorry about that. Since he came to my house he seems to have tried to get in touch with his culinary side.

Not curry! No, anything but curry!

He's getting to be very aggravating. I can't even get him to read a cookbook, either.

Ha! You didn't expect my guacamole cannon, did you? Take green buttery goodness, devil!

(By the by, please remember to vote on the poll at the bottom of the page)

The Attic

On Friday I was in the Attic a bunch (but I didn't blog about it then, because I was so stoked over defeating the Anti-Punctuality Demon) and you would not believe our attic.
Some people have nice little attics filled with old heirlooms and memories and things. Some people have musty old attics they never go into. Some people have attics that don't exist.
Our attic isn't like any of those.
First of all, you can't step on the floor.
This isn't because it's covered with clutter or something, It's actually quite barren. No, you can't step on it because if you do you'll fall through it and then fall fifteen feet to the concrete floor of the garage. You can only step on the sparse two-by-fours that serve as supports for the floor (thank god they're exposed)
Next, believe it or not, the ceiling is covered with nails, whose points are sticking downward.
And then, to add insult to injury (almost literally) there's no lights or windows.
Sounds like a jolly place, right? Every time I go in there I feel like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie. 'Indiana Jones and the Attic of Collapsing Floors' or some such.
What's your attic like? Is it dark and musty, or it is nonexistent? Is it worthy of a horror story in it's honor?
(Please remember to vote on the poll at the bottom of the page)

The Defeat of a Great Demon

This post is on time. 
HA! Flee, thou foul pugnacious anti-punctuality demon! Gone are the days of thy black reign! The smog from thy farts begone! No more shalt thou rest in mine household, gobbling my nachos and wheedling sausages out of mine refrigerator! I hereby send thee back to thine abyss where everyone is two days late for everything! I sweep thee from the stronghold of mine house with the besom of remembrance and wherewithal! Thy demise is nigh! I shall drive ye back with my righteous moldy doughnut!
And I would give an inspiring speech in old english now, but I'm too winded from my fight with that devil.
And now to copy Scott and reveal to you what I lied about on Tuesday, and what I told the truth on.
#1 I have actually painted myself with woad and charged naked (Picts ftw, baby!) at people.
Not true, I'm afraid. But I would do it if given a proper opportunity.
#2 I own four swords ranging from the mid ninteenth century to the early twentieth century, and have wounded myself on accident with all of them.
True! When I was around eleven (I was shorter then) I took one and prepared to charge Scott. I raised it above my head a little to enthusiastically, and stabbed myself in the calf. That's the most notable (and least embarrassing) of the stories...
#3 & #4 I once filled my own nostrils with plumbers putty. (&) I once filled someone else's nostrils with plumber's putty.
Both of these are untrue, alas.
#5I have actually plotted out a plan to take over the world using plumber's putty.
Well...does it count if I thought up a plan as I typed this out? I'll have to blog about my plan some time.
6) I have seriously considered editing the Wikipedia article on Plumber's putty to include that people sometimes use plumbers putty to seal their nostrils, or, more rarely, take over the world.
True. I've seriously considered editing a lot of Wikipedia articles because they're not funny. And because I can.
7) I have used moldy donuts as weapons.
Untrue. But I do think of them as weapons worthy of a great warrior.
8) I have killed small woodland creatures just to try and teach the attracted ravens to say 'Nevermore.'
I have killed small woodland creatures, but the ravens never came. The ants did, though. And the flies. But they don't speak.
9) Plumber's putty.
True!

I Should Win the 'Most Forgetful Blogger EVER' award

Yes. I forgot to blog twice last week. And once this week. And this is the first time I've even thought about it!
I blame Rick Riordan. I was reading The Last Olympian.
See, usually I have a pretty passive relationship with reading. But when I start a book that I really like, I will cut off most other activities and just read. I did this with the Hunger Games as well (it took me less than two days to read that book). And so, with the final installment of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series in hand, I forgot about blogging.
That doesn't excuse last Monday, though. Oh well. I'll find an excuse for Monday later. And then I'll find an excuse for not finding and excuse for Monday now.
Anyway, forgetfulness is not my only reason for posting.

THIS is my other reason. Now, I would've uploaded a photo of myself to show you my beard and 'stache (which can only be seen with microscopic vision) but I forgot. And so I will accept this...this insult, from Scott of Ergo Humour. I swear, if a blogospheric war ever breaks out, I'm joining the side he's not on.
Anyway, apparently the package comes with instructions.
I. Thank the person who insulted you. Or 'awarded' you. Whichever you prefer to call it. Thank you, Scott. Does this mean you have to thank me for the assassin I just sent for you?
II. Place the logo on your blog. I did that. And no small amount of internal conflict preceded that decision, believe me.
III. Link to your nemesis. Unless your nemesis didn't give you this award. In that case, link to the person who gave you the 'award.'
IV. List up to six outrageous lies about yourself and at least one outrageous truthful account. Very well. Excuse me for a second while I breathe deeply and switch into outrageous liar mode (Oh yes, there's a mode) 1) I have actually painted myself with woad and charged naked (Picts ftw, baby!) at people.
2) I own four swords ranging from the mid ninteenth century to the early twentieth century, and have wounded myself on accident with all of them.
3) I once filled my own nostrils with plumbers putty.
4) I once filled someone else's nostrils with plumber's putty.
5) I have actually plotted out a plan to take over the world using plumber's putty.
6) I have seriously considered editing the Wikipedia article on Plumber's putty to include that people sometimes use plumbers putty to seal their nostrils, or, more rarely, take over the world.
7) I have used moldy donuts as weapons.
8) I have killed small woodland creatures just to try and teach the attracted ravens to say 'Nevermore.'
9) Plumber's putty.
Anyway, I'm having too much fun with that lying business (but there are several truth's mixed in there) so I'll continue.
Next on the list of instructions:
V. Insult seven other bloggers by calling them bald-faced liars. Alrighty.
1) Zella at Zella Kate and Grammatically Motivated.
2) Kevin at Crazy and Crazier Thoughts of Kevin.
3) Arnorris at The Norris Ranch.
4) Mercwriter at Merc Rants.
5) Plumber's putty.
6) Plumbers.
7) Putty.
Those last three were because A) I love plumber's putty, and B) Most of you have been tagged already anyway!

(Please remember to vote on the poll at the bottom of the page, by the by)

Apologies...or not?

You know, I figured you guys would be so tired of hearing me apologize for late posts, that I decided I wouldn't this time. That's right! You're not going to get an "I'm sorry" out of me!
Except that now I feel guilty for not apologizing. My mammy always told me it was good and proper to apologize (except that she usually said it more like "Say you're sorry for bombing your sister's room!") and now I feel like I've disobeyed her. And I feel like I should apologize to her.
No! No, I refuse! Arrrrrgh! I feel like a character out of a John Steinbeck novel, with all this internal conflict.
I have an idea! Let's change the subject.
Worcestershire sauce. Tasty, is it not?
Okay, all right, all right! I'm sorry! Stop looking at me like that!
Mammy, forgive me.

(Please remember to vote on the poll at the bottom of the page if you haven't yet)

An Important Announcement of Greatly Portent Import

Well, my wonderful followers, in case you haven't noticed, I've been changing that motto thingy in the header for quite a while now. I can't decide what I wanted up there. That's supposed to capture the meaning of Vintage Spammy, summarize it in a small amount of words (no small task, let me assure you).
So then I had an idea. I'd let YOU decide! Yes, that's right! I'll be irresponsible and give the choice to you to make!
So I've narrowed it down to three perspective mottos.
#1: (What's up there right now) Redefining Lunacy.
#2: It takes only one madman to change the world.
#3: Auditing reality for maximum amount of silliness.
There's a poll at the bottom of the bottom of the page, asking YOU to decide which motto is best. You don't have to tell me which you voted for, because I don't want anyone getting in big fights over which is best (like that would happen). Or you can tell me, if you want. Just remember to actually vote ;)

The Mystic Guru Which is Me

Today in English I had to write a Tanka and a Haiku. I felt like Matsuo Bashō or somebody. For you unknowing ones, a Tanka is an unrhyming poem of five lines with (in this order) five syllables, seven syllables, five, seven and seven. A Haiku is just like that except without the last two lines of seven syllables (so five, seven and five).

The Tanka I wrote (which I'm very proud of, in the way which the father of a serial murderer is proud of his serial murdering progeny) goes as follows:

Palm fronds in the wind

Swaying like silken hankies

And lots of leaves fall

From the sky like dying birds

Wind takes them to drifting graves

I thought that one was a wee bit too angsty. So I decided I would lighten the Haiku up.

Water flows like tea

Great multitudes of the stuff

Drowns many large rats

I hope I got the syllables right. Tell me if I didn't. I'm off to go have a cup of Chai tea.

Stony Pastries and Their Military Uses

Ye cods. I just apologized for getting a post in late and then I forget again on Monday! What an irresponsible nincompoop I am!

...I like the word nincompoop. Sounds like the name of some sort of pie. Except, now that I think about it, it would probably be a horribly disgusting sort of pie.

It is a mildly intriguing concept, though. It would be far more devastating as a throwing weapon than any other kind of pie. Except, perhaps, a rock pie. That would be very deadly. And pretty easy to bake, as well.

Although, if one is going to throw rocks at somebody, why wrap them up in dough and stick them in the oven first? I mean, a pebble crumble I can understand, being a deceptively tasty-looking means of braking one's enemies' teeth, but you can't even slice into a rock pie. Of course, it is the same with a boulder torte. But that is a wholly different matter. One can drop a boulder torte on one of one's enemies' heads with devastating results.

Although I suppose a rock pie could be used as a shield or a bludgeon, if one was desperate. But if one cannot throw a rock pie at one's enemies when one's enemies are at sufficient distance (and not out of range of one's throwing arm) then, in my opinion, one is a nincompoop.

Apologies and Different Apologies

Ye cods! I haven't blogged in like...a whole week! This is awful. I'm so sorry! I've been drained of my creative juices lately. I got sick pretty bad last Friday, and I had more tests yesterday, and I've been very tired! And I don't even know why! And now I'm over-using exclamation marks!!!!!
So, with that in mind, I will see how many different ways I can apologize.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I deeply apologize! I humbly beg for your forgiveness! I must deeply express my utmost sorrow at my inexcusable actions!
That's seven, right there.
I will now beat myself over the head with a deviled egg. Or maybe I should use a Metsubushi Thank you. Good bye. Be back on Monday.

Madness and Similar Stuff and Different Stuff

YEarrrrgh! I forgot to blog on Monday! And then I forgot to do a blog on Tuesday to make up for it! So...I guess this is the first Wednesday post in a long time, mmm?
So sorry I forgot. I was working on a semi-big (for me, anyway) project on Sunday, which I planned to post on Monday. By the end of Monday, I had realized I couldn't get it ready in time. I planned on finishing it on Tuesday and apologizing for not getting it up on Monday. And at the end of Tuesday, I realized I had forgotten. So! No more forgetfulness or anything like that. The mysterious post is not ready yet. But! It will be up on Friday (hopefully).
Hmmmmmmmmm...so many ideas for blog posts...
...so few actually develop-able ideas...
...so little time to actually develop the develop-able ones...
...I think I'll blog about madness. That's always an easy topic for me.
Madness, you see, is an oddly strange, weirdly bizarre, uncannily peculiar, extraordinarily eccentric, abnormal anomaly that often results in many stupidly lame pleonasms like the ones I just used.
Madness is often confused with Insanity, but usually only by psychologists. Madness and Insanity should never be confused. They're two totally different people.
Insanity is insane, Madness is just mad. Insanity usually involves large leather lazy chairs and old, bald men and white, latex gloves and unfun stuff like that. Madness involves tea-drinking rabbits and decade-long rainstorms (just imagine how strong the petrichor would be after that) and people flying around via the seats of their pants. Madness is interesting. Insanity is a bland mental sickness. Vlad the Impaler was insane. Lewis Caroll was mad. King Théoden was insane (before Gandalf got to 'im hehe). The Mad Hatter was mad (sorry I'm using Lewis Caroll's characters so much--they're just so mad!).
And don't get me started about craziness.

A Post About Nothing In Particular

Well, I can't really think of anything special to blog about, and I promised another segment of the story, so here it is:
[Synopsis so far for our new readers: Spammy, a seven-foot-tall, forest-dwelling woodwose in northern Dazzlerbaijanini, is visited by three warriors from a southern village, seeking for his help. Apparently their god has forgotten to put the moon in it's proper phase, so they cannot perform a vital sacrifice which will allow them to survive through the winter. Spammy and the three warriors go into the mountains to find the god, and that leaves us where we are now. You can read the other parts of the story under the label 'Dazzlerbaijanini.' Enjoy!]
Spammy and the three warriors peeked over the ridge, at the small, mountain town before them.

The snow drifted down on the silent village as the sun climbed behind the easternmost mountain. A few wagtails tweeted in the trees, typing with their talons on their cell phones faster than any man could ever hope to achieve.

The rays of the sun shot through the forest as the sun burst over the horizon like an indignant father who knows he told his child to come down for breakfast ten minutes ago, and yet no children have shown.

The wagtails scattered as the loud, confused cry of a child rang through the village.

Spammy heard loud whipping sounds and shouts of elderly people who sounded like they were having a little too much fun. A door burst open and a ten-year old child ran out of it, in nothing but his undergarments. An older woman ran out after him, swatting him on the back with a branch and shouting "Apaļš kā pūpols!" at him.

More shouts of "Apaļš kā pūpols!" rang throughout the village and more whipping sounds ensued.

"Hmmm." Spammy said, "So people celebrate Pussy Willow Sunday up here too?" (AUTHOR'S NOTE: No! It's not what you think it is! There's actually a Latvian holiday called Pussy Willow Sunday on which the parents awaken their children by whipping them with pussy willows) A little early for that, isn't it Or very, very late? It's a spring holiday."

The lead warrior scratched his chin. "They must be very confused people."

Spammy hoisted himself onto the ledge whereon the village sat. "We might as well ask them for directions, mightn't we?"

"I suppose."

The three warriors followed Spammy as he stepped into the snowy town.

"Erm, excuse me, sir?" Spammy said to a militant mother with a willow wand.

"Yes, would you like me to whip you with my willow?" the woman raised an eyebrow and her branch.

"Um, no, thank you. We were just wondering if you knew they way to heaven?" Spammy plucked at his beard. "I heard it's on top of one of these mountains. And...ummm, we can't exactly find it."

"No I don't know where it is. Would you like me to whip you with my willow?"

"Um, no, thank you very much. Err, I guess we'll just be on our way then--but, could you tell me why you're celebrating Pussy Willow Sunday--a spring holiday--at the beginning of winter?"

"Well, our God hasn't even told us it's summer yet. So we're just assuming it's still spring. Would you like me to whip you with my willow now?"

Spammy turned to give a confused glance to the lead warrior. "Methinks you aren't the only ones with god-problems."

"I'll take that as a yes, then." The woman said, and gave Spammy a swat across the back of the head.

"Ack! No! I don't want a whipping!" Spammy tried to shield his head with his arms as the woman delivered more blows with the willow wand. She wouldn't listen.

Ferocious blows swiped across his arms and loosed catkins created a cloud around the willow-berserker woman.

"Run!" Spammy turned from the woman and took off up the mountain side, with her chasing him and whipping his fleeing back.

"Apaļš kā pūpols!"

7 Things Tag

Now I'm not sure if this counts at all, but the Blogger Police aren't watching, and it's something to blog about, so...

Kevin got tagged twice, apparently. The second time she tagged me.

And...so I have to list...seven things...that are...um...my favorite fictional characters. Kind of confusing, but cool!

1. Cthulhu. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't list him as numbah one, mmm?

2. Sir Kato from Mio, My Son. He was cool. 'Specially since Christopher Lee played him in the film (I mean, Christopher Lee = stone-hearted, evil knight, right?)

3. Rincewind from the Discworld series. Cowardly, but cool (And David Jason, who played him in The Color of Magic [the film], is awesome!)

4. The Shrike from the Hyperion Cantos. Okay, so I've never actually read the Hyperion Cantos. But so what? The Shrike is awesome.

5. Beorn, from the Hobbit. Who couldn't like the huge, hairy werebear that slew Bolg, son of Azog?

6. Conina the Barbarian Hairdresser from the Discworld series. She was BA, in a silly sort of sense.

7...I can't think of another. Can I list one of my favorite fictional characters from my works of fiction? Okay, I'll do that. Wight, from my novella Captive of Immortality. He was pretty BA (or so I thought, anyway).

Okay, so now I tag four people, I guess (And if you've already been tagged, then...disregard this, I guess--but I will extensively research whether or not you've been tagged, so if I do tag you, rest assured I sincerely believe you have not been tagged yet)
Aly at Seriously Unserious Thoughts of a Seriously Unserious Person
Zella at Zella Kate (and at Grammatically Motivated)
Jean at Discarded Darlings
Martha at Skyewriting and Musings
(Yeesh, where are all the guys on blogspot?)

All you tagged peoples, list seven things you've read/read about in any book (fictional or non-fictional) that are REALLY AWESOME! And then tag four other people (who have not been tagged--or at least that you sincerely believe have not been tagged)

[Story segment on monday!]

The Avocado Capital of the World

Did you know I live in the (self acclaimed) Avocado Capital of the World? That's right. Fallbrook, California is (self acclaimedly) the Avocado Capital of the World. It's an Avocado town. There are people with twenty-five acre groves of avocados. There's a festival for them. It was yesterday. People come from all over (well, all over the county, anyway).
People go around dressed as avocados, they eat gallons and gallons of guacamole, sell avocados, sell avocado skin-made clothing, airplanes fly over and dump avocados on other people.
Okay, so I was embellishing a little. But this town is crazy for avocados. They petitioned for a national avocado day, but then someone told them that avocados don't grow all over the united states. There was a town-wide day of mourning when they heard that.
What's that? Still embellishing? Okay, well, a little. But who cares? That's what the blog's about! I would call it 'Embellishments' if that didn't sound (and look) so much like 'Embezzlements.'
Anyway, I just thought I would share with you that I LOOOOOOVE AVOCADOS! Even though I have never actually gone to the festival (it's too crowded, and I prefer to eat avocados in the safety of my own home).

[No story segment this time, but I'm working on it]

A Post from Afar

If this was posted less than three hours ago, and you're reading it (I'm assuming that you are reading it, seeing as how you couldn't very well know what I'm saying here without reading it) then it could very well be that I'm not in my normal SoCal abode, but up in Big Bear, skiing as we speak! Well...skiing as you read, and I ski. So...skiing while we are doing separate things which are not at all similar. I guess. Whatever.

But that doesn't stop me from blogging! I'd like to say I used my psychic powers to post this while skiing, but I can't. I have internet up here so I wrote this on Thursday (and it's weird typing this out, saying "I wrote this on Thursday" when it is Thursday) and scheduled it to come up today.

Spammy and the three warriors trudged up the mountainside, the wind nearly blowing their furs off.

Spammy wrapped his long beard around his neck like a scarf. "Are we there yet?"

"You asked that five minutes ago!" the lead warrior said, "And the answer is still the same! Another few days!"

A twenty-five foot tall man wearing nothing but a loincloth stepped out of the trees, with a horse-sized, winged lizard on a leash. 

"Come on, my little Puky-poo, come on. Who's daddy's boy, mmm? Who's daddy's boy?" the giant-sized loincloth wearer walked on with his dragon.

"So..."Spammy said, "Is that the god we're looking for?"

"No." the lead warrior said, "He's bigger than that."

Lunchtime!

And...you may or may have not noticed...but I forgot to blog on Friday. And I blame...myself! Because it was my antidea (the antithesis of an idea) to not blog on Friday. As you probably didn't know, I was skiing on Friday. And on Saturday I was at a film festival (not Sundance or anything, just our local film festival) and on Sunday...well, on Sunday I was mourning the loss of an opportunity to blog. And right now all I can think about is having lunch. So...with that in mind, I shall blog about lunches.
Lunchtime is more than just an intangible period in the middle of the day. It is a moving space, traveling across the globe as noon strikes in different time-zones and people say 'Gee...I'm hungry. I wonder what time it is--hey! It's time for lunch.'
This reminds me of the song 'Girls Just Want to Have Lunch' by "Weird Al" Yankovic (one of my favorite artists). Love Weird Al. Great songwriter.
[Breaks for Lunch]
Hmmm...now I can't really think about lunch any more...now I'm thinking about dinner. But it's too early to blog about dinner. So what to blog about?
It's raining...Naw. The rain is cool--awesome, in fact--but I can hardly blog about it (not as good as Alygirlrockz16 can, anyway, as is demonstrated in this post).
Hmmmm...what to blog about...
The wide, flat, gray clouds covered the land of Dazzlerbaijanini, its vast pine forests sinking further into their own shadows. A deep, thin, steep-walled canyon cut through one of the larger pine forests, with few entrances and a shallow, gravelly stream running through it's middle.
A small, thatch hut leaned against one of the cliff-like walls at the northern end of the canyon, where it dispersed between two mountains. A thin trail of smoke rose from the top of the hut.
Three men crept toward the hut, wearing thick furs and carrying wooden shields.
It started to rain as the men stepped into the ten or fifteen foot circle around the hut that was barren of even the sparsest bushes. They could see why it was barren; a cow was grazing on a thick bush near them.
"Be aware, they say the man in the hut can hear the thoughts in a man's head," whispered one of the men, "And the mildest disrespect, but it thought or said, will trigger his rage."
They needed no man to tell them to be respectful, for that moment the man stepped out of the hut.
He was seven feet tall, with a huge, fuzzy brown beard and a walking stick as thick as a man's arm. He wore a plethora of dark furs, secured to his tall frame by long strips of leather. An owl settled itself on his shoulder.
The three men bowed. "Great sage of the forest, protector of the wild--"
"Enough of that." The gigantic woodwose stretched his fur-coated arms. "You can just call me Spammy."
"Umm, Spammy, then. G--great spammy."
"Just Spammy."
"Oh! Oh yes! Wise and just lord of the trees--"
"No, Spammy. Without anything else." Spammy turned, and motioned for the men to come inside the hut. "It is lunch time. Would you like some yogurt?"
"Yogurt from your mighty cow would be an honor of great dimensions, O Spammy." The leader of the group sat down at the table, a little hesitant. The other two men sat as well.
Spammy set three wooden bowls of yogurt in front of the men, giving them each a spoon as well. "Why have you come here, as warriors to a peaceful man's house?"
"We come as warriors, O Spammy, but we bring no swords. Only shields, to signify that we are ready to defend, should we find an enemy, not attack." The leader of the group took a bite of yogurt. It was tart and thick, just like the woodwose himself.
"I see." Spammy swallowed a triple-sized spoonful of his own yogurt. "And why have you come here at all?"
"Winter is coming on, as you undoubtedly know," the leader of the men said, "And every winter, we sacrifice to our god when the at the fourth moon blackness after the spring sacrifice. This ensures that our god will give us fire for the duration of the winter, so that we will survive."
"Makes sense." Spammy took another swallow of the yogurt. "So what?"
"So, Spammy," The leader leaned forward. "We haven't sacrificed yet."
"Well that seems like your problem. Isn't it? Did you miss the new moon?"
"No, Spammy. There are snows in the mountains, and the storms are getting much colder and more frequent. The moon has not been black for a long time. It has been almost twice the time it usually takes. And the moon is still in the same phase it three weeks ago."

Gee. That was fun. I'll have to finish that. Maybe I'll rip Scott off and start something...like...'Micro Fiction Mondays.' Except that isn't really a microfiction (for one thing, it's over five hundred words, and it's not done yet) Anyway, that about fills up the post! Happy trails, all!

A New Facet...

...to my nerdiness. I don't know if I ever really qualified as a real nerd until today...because today I played my first game of Sudoku. It was quite fun (but probably only to the nerdy at heart).

I've never really been a numbers person before, but this is pretty basic, so I enjoyed it.

I imagine there are secret Sudoku cults hiding in dark catacombs and scratching occult glyphs on their altars and performing certain amounts of sacrifices (in relation to how many other sacrifices they've done that day).

I think life works like a big huge game of Sudoku...in relation to everything that's happened and will happen, you do something accordingly. Either that or...the world is a box and we're all numbers.

So...who here plays Sudoku? Are you a casual Sudoku nerd or a cryptic Sudoku cultist?

Easter Madness

Easter is practically here! And besides being the largest sugar-holiday the year round, it also features a rabbit who lays eggs! It takes one heckuva a race to take a holiday and do that with it. At least there's no decorations involved.
I do like some of the celebratory aspects of the holiday, though. For instance I get a lot of fulfillment out of easter-egging houses (which is throwing plastic easter eggs at people's homes) and I can't get enough of going out into the woods with a shotgun and hunting easter eggs (the easter egg season is so short, though! with the huge closed season they get, you'd think there'd be billions of them).
Anyway, happy easter, and may all your rabbits lay chocolate eggs for you! (Check to make sure they are chocolate eggs before eating them, mind)

That Hideous Stench*

You all know of it. It stalks from the lavatory like a stalker, stalking anything that stands in its way. Of course, none can stand it for long.
It's the smell of...let's say...a 'fecal deposit' that Uncle Harry 'Twenty Hot Dogs'** Fartswell-[Insert last name of your choosing here] has just made in the Bathroom Credit Union. And the smell is awful. It's a horrible, miasmal, nose-exploding fog that shoots up the nasal passages and gives the olfactory system a good walloping. No one can stand it! But it just might be able to be dealt with. And woe to him who is chosen to deal with it.
My mom deals with it by opening a window and fanning the air desperately in an occult effort to get the essence of the stench to leave.
My dad deals with it by putting on his breathing apparatus, running into the bathroom and hosing the toilet's insides out (my dad's a fireman--he deals with most things the same way)
Scott deals with it by spraying about six gallons of air-freshener into the bathroom, which works by suffocating anyone who's around to smell anything.
I deal with it by doing a rite to the Stench Daemon of the Sewer Hells, which is comprised of standing over the toilet, lighting a match to draw the daemon's attention, tracing the shape of an air-freshener can in the air to keep him from taking over your soul, a spiral with the flaming match down toward the toilet bowl to signify that you hate the stench and you acknowledge his great, stinky power, waving the match out to signify that you wish him to make the stench go away, and dipping the match in the toilet-water to keep him from lighting your house on fire.
Personally, I think my way is the most logical.


*Haha I'm quite proud of that title--for those of you not versed in the works of C.S. Lewis, it's a spoof of the title of his book 'That Hideous Strength.'
**Named for his amazing ability to eat twenty hot dogs in two minutes.

Oh No...

I forgot to blog on Firday! I'm spelling it wrong and missing my garmar I'm that distrawt!

I'm so sorry! I woke up this morning and thought "Hey, today's Friday, I'm going to blo--Holy Crow! Wait! It's SATTTUUUUURRRRDAAAAYYYY!" and then I choked on my own bile and fell backwards, hitting my head on my antique 3rd century cudgel--which has a nail through it--and got a concussion and suffered a debilitating brain aneurysm which killed me.

Okay, so I didn't have a concussion or an aneurysm, but I was mourning! I wrote my own dirge and mapped out where I wanted my barrow to be, I was so fearful what you guys would do to me. THIS WAS THE SECOND TIME IN A ROW!

There was a river of my tears flowing through the house, and dragons flying about, created from the mournful farts I loosed.

THE SECOND TIME!

I had never forgotten twice in a row! I was sure the blood of my veins and arteries would spill and create a great pool and you, my vengeful murderers would swim in it leisurely while snacking on my heart. I knew my head would soon be on a pole, being waved around while a rite was performed to make sure my soul burned in the seventh circle of hell forever.

And then I logged on, my hands shaking and my eyes watering in anticipation of my rightful slaughter, and I saw you all just crying.

Crying. No double-headed flails readied to bludgeon me, no mystic enchantresses slaughtering goats on stone altars in preparation for slaughtering me.

I would have been disappointed if I weren't so glad to still be alive.

I'm so sorry! I forgot!

You see, unlike Scott, I am not really on the carousel of busyness (well, maybe on the outlying regions, like the rooster) but on the carousel of forgetfulness and disorientation. I don't often wake up on friday and think "Okay, today's Friday, I'm going to blog." or sometimes I do, but by the time I have breakfast those thoughts are forgotten. I'm working on getting off the CFD! I am! I really am! But I'm on the ostrich. And the ostrich is eight feet tall. So it's not exactly easy.

By the by, do you like the new template?

Oh, and, um, *Squirms* remember I said I was going to have the first drawing of the week up this week? Haha, hahahah, umm, haahaha, um, how about next week?

Root Canal!

Hi everyone. I'm so sorry I forgot to blog!

I had a root canal.

I was planning to blog about it on Friday, but I forgot. Then I planned to blog about it on Saturday. And forgot. And if I were to post it on Sunday it would only be up for one day, so I figured it wasn't worth it.

So this weekend I have been silent. But now that the week is starting I am not anymore.

The root canal wasn't nearly so bad as I had thought it was going to be, though. It didn't live up to any of the horror stories that you hear (you hear them when you're going to get one, anyway).

The worst part was probably when they said they were going to use an 'electrosurge' to cauterize the tissue. Saw smoke and smelt burning. But I didn't feel anything.

I couldn't feel anything in my lower face for several hours. You could have slapped me and I wouldn't have felt anything. You could have flayed my lips off and I wouldn't have felt anything. I'd never felt anything remotely like picking someone else's nose before...but now I think I know what it would be like.

And so the moral of the story is...don't fear the root canal! Fear the ninjas that will flay your lips off while you sleep.

Again, really sorry for not blogging! I don't think I've ever been so unfaithful to my poor blog.

Yet Another Announcement

And first of all let me allay your fears--nothing is being taken from the blog. Actually, I'm going to announce the addition of a new thing!

Starting next week, I'm going to do a drawing a week (I'll make a new page for it) for your enjoyment. I have one question for you, though.

Should I hand-draw the drawings, or make them on photoshop? Here's the pros and cons of photoshop:

Pros: Crisper, less messy images, easier to upload.

Cons: Harder to draw, don't have that drawing look to them.

And the pros and cons of hand-drawing:

Pros: Made with love, easier to draw, more classy look.

Cons: Messier images, I have to scan the drawings into the computer and then edit them on photoshop and then upload them.

So what do you think? Photoshop or hand?

In other news, I got tagged (for something or other) by Scott at Ergo, and I suspect this tag he tagged me with is poisonous or something, because it's from him. Not to mention the price on it is $123,456, 789.10 which is a very suspicious price. Anyway, he tagged me. So I have to now tell you where I hope to be in ten years and then tag ten people and they have to tell everyone where they want to be in ten years and then tag ten people who then have to...gosh...sounds like we're spreading some sort of viral infection.

So...in ten years, I hope...

to be ten years older,

to have never had acne,

to be a published author,

to have ten thousand more followers on my blog.

And that's pretty much all. And now...to tag you unlucky peoples...

Kevin, at Crazy and Crazier Thoughts of Kevin

Owllady, at Letter Go

Penny, at Penelope Barber

Glenda, at Schemer's World

Arnorris at The Norris Ranch

Martha at Skyewriting and Musings

William Wallace

William Howard Taft

William Edwart Gladstone

William Longsword

(Do not ask me to explain the last three) I bet that by now most of these people have already been tagged but 1) I'm too lazy to go and find other people to tag, and 2) I can't think of a whole lot of other williams (except for William Shakespeare, and I dislike him)

In other other news, I'm still getting very few comments! Buggrit. *Wanders off to find something else to nix*

Reporting Live from the Chess Olympics

I always wonder why they have summer Olympics, winter Olympics, Youth Olympic Games, Paralympic Games, but no chess Olympics...

Now, I'm not really a chess nerd (not nearly knowledgeable enough to qualify) but I think it would be really cool to have chess Olympics. Sure, they have chess tournaments and chess Olympiads, but those aren't Olympics. Those are a bunch of famous chess players playing chess. I'm thinking more famous athletes on a giant chess board with the greatest chess masters of the world commanding them.

And just thing of the news coverage! There'd be news reporters spouting things like"Qd4?? gBxd4!!" (Which, for those of you not versed in algebraic chess notation, means the white queen just moved to the d4 square and the black bishop previously on the g file moved to the d4 square and captured her) and "d4 c6 e3 d5 Bd3! e6 f4 gNh6 c3!! and white has a Stonewall! f5! g3 Bd6!! and Black as a Stonewall as well!" and "e5?! Rxe5? hBxe5 gNxe5!" and "Oooh! It's a scholar's mate! I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, America is not doing so well today!" and "gNxf6? Rxf6++! and that pretty much wraps up the middlegame, with only the white king, bishop, three pawns and the black king, rook, knight and a pawn left!"

And it'd be so cool! It'd be awesomer than awesome! There'd be awards for the best chess compositions and quickest wins and most cool-looking pawn skeletons. It'd be totally sick! *Geeks out*

The Life of an Upside-Down Cake Farmer

What's that you say? You don't farm upside-down cakes? You think I'm insane? That I should get help? Ha! And again ha! The real question is...are we farming upside-down cakes, or are we farming cakes upside down? Mmmm?

Well, to answer your question, we're doing both. See, an Upside-Down Cake Farm not only harvests all the tastiest confectioneries known to man, it harvests them while fully inverted.

As you all know very well, the earth is flat (as proven by such esteemed scientists as Sucinrepoc Sualocin and Ielilag Oelilag). Thus, one side faces upward, and one side faces down. The upper side has all the humans on it, as well as seas and continents, and the bottom side has a lot of weird stuff on it. See, there's no water (What's that you say? Don't be silly. Water would fall right off the bottom side!) and everyone goes around upside down. And all kinds of pastries, desserts and sweetmeats grow there. But other than what grows on it, it's pretty bleak. It's all gray, except for the farms. And the native inhabitants eat rocks and just use the cakes for toilet paper.

But anyway, we grow all sorts of tasty things down there.

We get up late at night (the days are inverted there, late night is early morning, etc.) and go out to milk the Couverture chocolate cows, and we feed the Bismarck chickens and collect their Bismarcks. Then we go back to the ranch house, eat breakfast, and get on tilling the fields, sowing the ingredients for cakes and pies, or harvesting cakes and pies, depending on the season.

We have pound cake fields and angelfood cake fields and bundt cake fields, cheesecake fields, coffee cake fields, tiramisu and upside-down cake fields. We have cupcake vines and creampuff bushes.

Everything goes fairly well on our farm, except when the local natives decide they need more toilet paper and attempt to raid us. Then it's not too pretty. Especially if they get into the fields (think german chocolate cake gone horribly wrong).

We export most of our goods to the upper side (and of course no one believes that they came from the bottom side of the world, so we never get any trouble from other humans) and we live the happy lives of farmers and bakers mixed into one.

Huh. And you thought you had to bake cakes. Such a silly notion.

The No Post Post With More Posting Ideas

GARN! Forgot again! Now Saturday is almost gone and this is the first I've gotten around to writing a post. Sorry!

I think what I'm going to do today is give you several titles for blog posts, and you tell me which one to finish. And it'll be up on Monday.

#1. 'The Life of an Upside-Down Cake Farmer'

#2. 'An In-Depth Examination of Sir Major Professor Donald Donald Donald O'McMacDonaldson-Donaldworthton XVI' (With illustration, of course)

#3. 'Reporting Live from the Chess Olympics'

Things to Ponder--Things to Ponder

How am I ever going to think up a blog post today?

Yep. That's what I'm pondering right about now. And it doesn't help that my brain wants a vacation for this week. I guess I might make one up as I go along...

--PREPARE FOR STUPIDITY--

I think the main reason I can never think up a blog post when I want to is because of the evil laughter I keep hearing, ringing in my ears. You know of tinnitis? Well, it's sort of like that. Except instead of ringing, I hear laughter. Evil laughter. And I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I'm always laughing evilly, but I really doubt it. Highly improbable, don't you know.

I also see strange images of a person who I cannot recognize, but looks extremely familiar, whenever I enter the bathroom. He appears on these odd-shaped sheets of reflective material that I see every time I walk into a restroom. I can't quite recognize his face, but I know I've seen him before. He mocks me, mimicking my movements and mouthing every word I say. It's terrible! And he's always laughing evilly, too. I don't know why.

This is having a terribly detrimental effect on my blogging. I simply cannot go on! Maybe I should stop going to the bathroom. Although that would be hard. And potentially very disgusting. I know! I'll blindfold myself whenever I'm going to go into a bathroom! Maybe I'll mimick him mimicking me! Ooh. But that could get complicated. Then he'd mimick me mimicking him mimicking me. And that wouldn't really make any sense.

Quailzilla FRIDAY--Marsupial Mole

Well, my friends, due to some distress over the assumed disappearance of Quailzilla, I figured I'd allay your fears and bring you one today. They will not die out! Anyway.

This week's subject is, because you all know I love marsupials(okay so you didn't, but who cares?)--The Marsupial Mole! A mole which is actually a marsupial. And lives in Australia. Love Australia as well as marsupials. There're these confectioneries called 'Aussie Bites' that're wonderful...I have to wonder if they're made from the inhabitants. Getting side tracked. Back to marsupial moles.

First of all, I'll examine the non-horrific aspects, as I like to do that first for some reason.

1. Mole. Few people have ever been able to find anything scary about moles. They're just...moles.

2. Lightweight. Very easily thrown around, if you know what I mean. Usually around 3-6 ounces.

3. Endangered. Many species of marsupial mole are endangered. And so, that makes for not great numbers.

Now I found mostly scary aspects on the marsupial mole, so we'll look at those.

1. Diet. Anything that eats mainly beetle larvae and cossid caterpillars have got to be pretty nasty.

2. Claws. They have large, shovel-like front claws that are good for digging. And good for scooping your eyeballs out of your head! GAH!

3. Enigmatic. Very little is actually known about the marsupial mole, as it is rare and lives underground almost always. Spooooooky, huh?

4. Nocturnal. They live underground and don't like daylight. That's pretty good criteria for a monster's résumé.

5. Marsupial. It's a marsupial! There are marsupial frogs and marsupial mice, there used to be marsupial wolves and marsupial lions. I love marsupials. But they can be dangerous.

The Verdict:

Marsupial moles are scary creatures! If the apocalypse were to come, I'm quite sure they'd take over the world. I bet they have nuclear missle silos underneath Australia, just waiting to surface and blow everyone to kingdom come.

A Not-So-Wonderful Announcement

Greetings, all ye who follow. I have an announcement to make.

In the last few weeks, since I introduced the thrice-a-week posting schedule, I have noticed two things:

1) A steady decrease in comments on posts.

2) A steady decrease in the quality of the posts [in my opinion, anyway]

3) Practically no increase in followers.

Therefore, this has led me to conclude that I cannot keep on with this schedule. It's just too tiresome to keep up, with zero benefits.

While I could never again give up blogging weekly, I'm afraid we're going to do away with the Wednesday post (not Quailzilla, mind you, just posting on Wednesdays). Posting will continue, however, on Mondays and Fridays. This is the final Wednesday post. And hopefully this will give me a little more time to rejuvenate from being burnt out by this schedule. So the thrice-a-week schedule is cancelled until further notice. I may bring it back, someday. But not any time soon.

That is all. Hope I didn't put a damper on anyone's day except for mine.

For Nerds Only!

Okay, so here's a little drawing for all you nerds around.

WARNING: If you are not a nerd, or do not know what entropy is, look up entropy. Otherwise the effect will be lost on you.

Haw haw haw haw! Isn't that funny? Har har hee haw!

Okay so not really. But whatever. I didn't have anything else to post about today.

(By the way, 'By N. Tropy' is not the joke, in case you didn't realize)

GASP! I Forgot! And I'm not making any cents!

I'm so most terribly ever so sorry! I forgot to do a post yesterday. Well...and I sort of procrastinated.

On a scale of one to ten, one being absolutely terrorific and ten representing ten thousand ducks lined up in a row, what would you say whelks rate?

That's pretty much the way my mind is processing right now. I think this schedule is driving me inane. Ant hat isn't a miss pilling of insane. No typo's in that last sentence. I meant to type it all. I cannot think strait write now, but at least I canned type all rite.

Any whey, you all have a swimmer-full wick end, and good buy.

Awards!

Yes...hmmm...well, I got this award, which tells me I'm over the top, from Scott of Ergo Humor.

Well, here's the schedule of the day: first off, thank you, Scott! I would give an acceptance speech but my dog ate it (wink wink nudge nudge).

Second, as per instructions which come with the award, I have to answer all these strange questions about myself and how over-the-top I am with one word, and then I'll be nominating a few lucky followers for the award! Isn't that exciting???!! WOWOWOOOHHHOO!!!!

Your cell phone: Huge.

Your hair: Flaming.
Your mother: Motherly.
Your father: Fatherly
Your favorite food: Salmonellaburgers
Your dream last night: Salmonellaburgers
Your favorite drink: Malk.
Your dream goal: Fame (for my writing...or at least recognition for my writing)
What room are you in: None
Your hobby: Hobby-making
Your fear: Grandma
Where do you see yourself in six years: Writing
Where were you last night: Asleep.
Something you aren't: Grandma
Muffins: Wonderful.
Wish list item: Laptop
Where did you grow up: Stalker.
Last thing you did: Sat.
What are you wearing: Nothingggg!!!!!
Your TV: Crater.
Your pets: Demoncats
Your friends: Alive.
Your life: Great.
Your mood: Creeped.
Missing someone: Rarely.
Vehicle: None
Something you aren't wearing: Hat.
Your favorite store: WALMART!
Your favorite color: Red.
When was the last time you laughed: Yesteryear
Last time you cried: Yesteryear
Your best friend: Jesus Christ
One place you go to over and over: WALMART!
Facebook: NEVERRRRRR!
Favorite place to eat: WALMART!

Okay, so now, as per instructions yet again, I have to think up five people to give this award to...

Merc, at Merc Rants, because she's evilly over-the-top.

Paul, at Complications. No reason needed. He is.

Martha, at Skyewriting and Musings, because anyone who still blogs thrice a week when they have MS is over the top. And plus she would be over the top anyway.

Amber, at The Norris Ranch, same as Paul. She is purely over the top.

Krista at Krista D. Ball's Zombie Free Blog, because she is prepared for the zombies.

Anyway, happy awarding time to ye all!